Just before starting to write this blog, the title above entered my mind. I’m still contemplating on that title and/but it feels good. In 2022, I published a blog in line with today’s blog: The road to self-love or philautia. My road was very long. Most likely, it’s (very) long for (most) others as well.
The word self in self-love has a negative connotation due to narcissism. In my view, narcissism is either the opposite of self-love, or its extreme version. My 2016 blog on Empathy vs Altruism Narcissism and Sympathy sheds some more light on that view.
My August 2025 blog was on the Types of Love, as perceived by the ancient Greek. Once you realign those nine (9) types (see left) into an effort-impact matrix (see right) then you get an interesting point of view: the quality of Love. The easiest is flirting (ie, ludus); the hardest is philautia or self-love.
While writing the above, I suddenly noticed that hospitality (ie, xenia) and friendship (ie, philia) were pictured wrong (ie, an opposite view). My latest diagram (right) reflects my change in their impact and effort.
In my view, self-love is the highest level that you can achieve in the hierarchy of needs (1943) by psychologist Abraham Maslow. In my view, it’s (much) higher than self-actualization, which included “partner acquisition, parenting, utilizing and developing talents and abilities, pursuing goals” (Wiki).
An obstacle to self-love is our common habit of pleasing other people (eg, children, parents, partner):
“Sociotropy is a personality trait characterized by excessive investment in interpersonal relationships and usually studied in the field of social psychology. People with this personality trait can be known as people pleasers.” Source: Wikipedia
Once you are ready to love yourself (see song below) then the views of others (eg, their disappointment on their expectations) become less important to yourself. In my view, regret & remorse might, however, become more important. Self-love is quite complex.
(I’m ready to) Love Myself (2022) by Rondé
band, lyrics, video, Wiki-band, Wiki-song
[Verse 1]
Whatever, I couldn’t keep it together
Didn’t know what I could be
Never thought that life could get much better
Thought I’d be here forever
Everything was breaking me
My life turned into therapy
[Pre-Chorus]
Took a little while to see that I was lost, so lost
Now I found myself, I’m never gonna stop
[Chorus]
I’m ready to love myself
I’m ready to love myself
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless in quotes or stated otherwise.
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