There’s no forgiving if there’s no forgetting

For quite some time, I’ve been wondering whether I have forgiven certain people. Expressing such forgiving words comes easy. Usually, future deeds are absent anyway. However, our intentions are hidden deep inside our mind.

The well-known expression is simple: forgive and forget. The why is still relatively simple: it’s a solution for both parties (ie, who). The how is already difficult, like which one comes first: forgive OR forget??

Last week, a thought suddenly struck me: There’s no forgiving if there’s no forgetting. Hence, if you cannot forget then most likely you have not forgiven. This implies I did not forgive. This makes more sense than the opposite.

“Of course for most of us, we don’t forget. We remember the hurts we’ve experienced, and we revise our behavior to avoid them. Even if we don’t consciously pay attention to the wounds or wrongdoers in our lives, often our body remembers them, and whether we’re conscious of them or not, they affect how we live our lives. So rather than banish our issues, let’s rethink how we move on.”

Source: Why ‘Forgive and Forget’ Is Actually Really Bad Advice (2016)

The article above gives the following steps (ie, how) to move on:

1. “Forgetting is not possible. Period.
2. Moving on takes time.
3. Forgetting can be useful but costly.
4. Forgiveness is possible.”

Actually, I think I’ve reached step 4 in one particular case. It took me quite a while to acknowledge (DABDA) my own accountability and responsibility. Often, there’s a deteriorating cycle of action–reaction (causality) in our lives.

In another case, I will never forget nor forgive. Forgetting is impossible. Forgiving makes no sense. See this quote for the why:

“Forgiveness is beneficial “only after there has been some kind of accountability and truthfulness. The problem is without accountability, there are conditions for bad things to happen again.” ”

Source: Why ‘Forgive and Forget’ Is Actually Really Bad Advice (2016)

If forgetting is impossible, is forgiving then also impossible?? In my experience, forgetting and forgiving seem to go hand in hand: memories are slowly fading away, and forgiving becomes authentic.

Hence, there’s no forgiving if there’s no forgetting.

I Keep Forgettin’ (1982) by Michael McDonald
artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-artist, Wiki-song

[Chorus]
I keep forgettin’ we’re not in love anymore
I keep forgettin’ things will never be the same again
I keep forgettin’ how you made that so clear
I keep forgettin’

Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless in quotes or stated otherwise.