Over the years, my solution how to deal with liars has changed. When is was young(er), I confronted and engaged with them. That approach rarely brings results, apart from denial and more lies. Today, I avoid liars. Sometimes, avoidance is difficult (eg, family). Hence, this blog: how to deal with a liar.
My former approach was emotional (ie, confronting, engaging). Avoidance is a rational response. How about a logical response? Is there anything that you can achieve by dealing with a liar? Technically speaking, lying is not a disease despite terms as pathological liar (source).
At the moment of writing this blog, I’m still in doubt about what you could achieve by dealing with a liar. When you cannot achieve anything then why bother trying? Moreover, dealing with a liar is like adding fuel to the fire (ie, conflict escalation). To some extent, avoidance equals de-escalation.
The above is (largely) confirmed in a 2018 Healthline article, entitled How Do I Cope with Someone Being a Pathological Liar? :
- Don’t lose your temper
- Expect denial
- Remember that it’s not about you
- Be supportive
- Don’t engage them
- Suggest medical help
Some of these recommendations feel counterintuitive. Be supportive (#4) feels like an example of the Dutch proverb soft healers make stinking wounds (eg, T&F Online-2018). When (pathological) lying is not a disease, why suggest medical help (#6)? There are no doctors for curing false opinions.
Remember that it’s not about you (#3) is intriguing. Is lying really not about “me”? The best example of a (pathological) liar is Donald Trump (eg, VF-2022, LAT-2020, WaPo-2021, Wiki). Indeed, Trump’s pathological lying is usually about him (ie, reverse psychology) rather than the one being attacked.
The quote below is also about the essence of reverse psychology:
“All liars … lie to protect themselves, to shield their egos from the raw pain of truth.”
A quote from The Memory of Love (2011) by Aminatta Forna (b.1964), “a Scottish and Sierra Leonean writer”.
Living in Another World (1986) by Talk Talk
band, lyrics, video, Wiki-band, Wiki-album, Wiki-song
There’s no sense in lying
Help me find a way from this maze
I can’t help myself
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless in quotes or stated otherwise.
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