Something broke inside me during the trip back from Germany. Initially, I assumed it was due to the prior night without sleep. Slowly, it dawned upon me that she and I lack a future together. I suppose that it’s fair to say that our chemistry has slowly vanished until it was gone.
I have been slow to accept the above. Probably because I was in denial. I preferred my perception that nothing had changed despite my new reality. My denial did not improve my happiness and/or satisfaction. Far from it. I tried to blame the winter blues. I didn’t succeed in doing that.
I’m coming to terms with the fact that I might be alone until I’m gone. This sounds (much) worse than it actually feels for me. Most of the time, I’m alone anyway – without regret and/or remorse. I know that I could cope with that as my mother (88) has faced a similar situation since 1994.
Still, it’s not what I prefer. I still remember living with someone for some five years. We had bad times. We broke up a few times. Nevertheless, I still cherish our fond memories. Ultimately, our differences in personality won and we lost. Recently, I noticed that nothing has changed.
I will use my time alone to figure out what I need, want and believe in. My dilemma is simple as well as complex: I believe in love, I want my solitude, and I don’t need anybody around me. Hence, my willingness to compromise is low. I have no clue yet how to solve my dilemma.
If my dilemma is (largely) outside my control then what options are left for me?
A rational solution would be to resume dating. Given my experiences, that is unlikely to happen.
It seems that letting things flow equals doing nothing. Perhaps that’s true.
It’s also a belief that when one door closes, another door opens.
- If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. source
- Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. source but allegedly fake
- Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river. source
- Those who flow as life flows know they need no other force. source
Let it grow, let it grow
Let it blossom, let it flow
In the sun, the rain, the snow
Love is lovely, let it grow
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless in quotes or stated otherwise.