Her question was genuine. Yet I did not know how and what to answer. Finally, I answered that I’ve been asking that same question to myself for quite a long time. I added that I think that I’m okay. I did not add the words feel and believe – this time. Obviously, I could have ignored her question but I didn’t.
I could use the lousy autumn weather as an excuse for “not” knowing. Perhaps, my ambiguity is about the photograph of my late father and/or the paintings of Joan, who passed away in 2016. Perhaps, it’s due to my 2013 burnout and subsequent 18 month depression and recovery. Perhaps, it’s just my age (62).
Sunday last week, I met one of my neighbours and asked how our sick neighbour is doing. I was shocked to hear that he had died 2 weeks ago. I had not known him well. He arrived 1-2 years later. I suppose he was a solitary man too. Perhaps, my solitary existence is finally beginning to bother me.
I can better deal with my thoughts above when writing about them. Else, they start bugging me for even longer. Writing is a kind of (self-) therapy for me (eg, Medium, PsychCentral, Psycom, Wiki). Once my thoughts have been “downloaded”, they are (usually) no longer bugging me.
The solution might be simple and complex at the same time: cohabitation. Marriage feels more like an open prison to me than a solution. Nevertheless, I don’t know if this solution would work. Moreover, I’m not really eager to find out whether it would (not) work out.
I suppose I’m once again at a crossroads in my life: Should I Stay or Should I Go? If so then where to? Alone Together? For how long this time?
There is a general advice that you should not make big decisions when you’re emotional (eg, Forbes, HBR, Medium, Inc., Psychreg). I think, feel and believe that this advice makes lots of common sense.
I have been laying low for quite a while. I think, feel and believe that it’s best to continue doing just that.
“We have to get used to the idea that at the most important crossroads in our life there are no signs.” A quote by Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961), an American novelist.
Solitary Man (1966) by Neil Diamond
artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-artist, Wiki-song
Don’t know that I will
But until I can find me
The girl who’ll stay
And won’t play games behind me
I’ll be what I am
A solitary man, solitary man
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless in quotes or stated otherwise.
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