Recently, I heard these words in the Amazon Prime series Forever (S1E08, 40m50s):
“Solitude has always been my analgesic of choice. But what if feeling nothing is the worst pain of all? What if the sharing of pain connects us to others and reminds us that none of us is alone as long as we can feel?” Note: URLs and italic markings in quote by me.
I’m wondering whether these three sentences describe my own current situation.
Should I reach out to others (again)? In my view, that might be rather selfish of me. Moreover, people are often bad in listening and good in judging, despite not knowing the full story. Then there’s that group of “listeners”, who experienced “something similar”, and refocus the entire conversation about themselves.
I still share my pain with others but only to the extent that I fully trust them. Latter still happens but not often. Hence, my choice for solitude has indeed become some kind of analgesic. Lately, it seems to numb me.
Actually, there are some other relevant words that are said before the words in my 1st paragraph above:
“Our body feels pain to warn us of danger. But is also reminds us we’re alive, that we can still feel. That’s why some of us seek it out while others choose to numb it.” Note: italic markings in quote by me.
Recently, a friend asked me why I’m not seeking out. In his view, my life does not show peaks or troughs. Basically, I would look like some kind of flatliner. His question resulted in my Pushing boundaries blog. It also shows to what extent I’m hiding my emotions and my pain. Only some people know me.
Another (related) quote from that episode:
“Sex, drugs, skydiving. It’s strange that the things we do for a thrill, in order to make ourselves feel alive, are the same things that may kill us. The same is true when it comes to human relationships. The people we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most deeply.” Note: italic markings by me.
In 2017, I wrote my blog You can only hurt someone with the truth. Why be or feel hurt by someone’s lies? That makes no sense. However, what if someone’s Love was the truth and not a lie? That could hurt profoundly.
I’m not sure why I wrote my previous paragraph. It does not seem to relate to me. Slowly, its meaning is dawning upon me: parental love. I’m still digesting this topic. It seems to have lifted my mood a bit.
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless in quotes or stated otherwise.