Last weekend, I asked her whether she was self-sabotaging us. She said no. I asked if she was sure about that. She started doubting but still declined. I recall that I was self-sabotaging in my past and I thought that I recognised that behaviour in her. It doesn’t really matter anymore as the damage is beyond repair.
In my view, self-sabotaging is a conflict between the conscious and the subconscious. The subconscious sabotages the goals of the conscious mind (eg, a relationship). I assume that the reasons are powerful covert emotions, like guilt and shame and possibly also regret and remorse. See example below for latter.
In 2018, I did a job interview with the Dutch tax authorities. It was a conscious decision and/but there was doubt in my subconscious. The first interview round went well. The first question of the psychologist of the second interview team was a simple closed question: “Are you willing to stop with your writing?”
That question hit a nerve. I realised it was a rhetorical question. The psychologist assumed my answer would (indeed) be a “no”. My subconscious took over the job interview and made it very sure that the job interview team got what they not wanted: me. I self-sabotaged each question with open indifference.
Actually, that psychologist has been very helpful in my life because that 2018 event set in motion several other events, for which I had been contemplating for many, many months (eg, my 2019 relocation). I have no urge to thank her if only for her final question, which evidenced her open prejudice towards me.
My former potential significant other needs to deal herself with her self-sabotaging. She violated my trust in her. I’m not eager to assist her in her contemplating. It’s ironic that she works for the same organization.
I’m not self-sabotaging anymore. I assume that my Body, Mind & Soul are finally in balance. Hence, there’s no longer a need for self-sabotaging. Perhaps, the conflict is like this: Body = Needs, Mind = Wants, and Soul = Beliefs. It’s easy seeing a conflict arising from those overlapping triangles.
I’m still trying to figure out what I should learn from this event. So far, I’ve only come up with this: even things that look perfect from afar can be far from it. How to apply that knowledge is something entirely different.
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless stated otherwise.