Recently, I wrote that I’m looking for a combination of a friend, lover, muse and a soulmate. An online friend added another relevant role that is important to her (and me): a partner. Each role has a different functionality. What are the odds of finding such a combination of roles? Actually, these odds are surprisingly slim.
The best odds are about finding a lover because that search is supported by many dating apps. Let’s assume a probability of 10% or 1 in 10 people (max). This probability is rather high because you’re both fishing in the same pool.
The other odds are much less due to the following reasons: (i) no app, (ii) no objective criteria (eg, friend, muse, soulmate), and (iii) with age comes a lack of compromising. Hence, the chances of finding a friend, a muse, and a soulmate might be 1% each (max.). Let’s assume that the partner role comes by default once the other roles are fulfilled (ie, a probability of 100% for a partner).
This would imply the following calculation in my case: 1% x 10% x 1% x 1% x 100% = 0,00001% or 1 in 100,000 people. Given a Dutch population of 18 million people, and about 50% or 9 million women, that leaves 90 “candidates” in the ages of 1 to 100. As you can see, my chances are indeed very slim. Compromising helps: each 1% role less increases your chances by a 100x.
For the last 5-7 years, I have been compromising. At least, I’ve gained a few friendships over these years. The average duration of my “relationships” has been decreasing though. Also see my recent blog: The more you know yourself, the shorter your relationships. At the age of 61, I feel less and less urge to compromise (again).
Compromising will increase your (instant) satisfaction and/but it’s more likely to affect your happiness in a negative than in a positive way (my blogs on happiness & satisfaction). Probably, this relates to the (statistical) weighting factors for each role. It’s quite likely that the sum of the unfulfilled factors (eg, friend, muze, soulmate) outweighs the only fulfilled factor (eg, lover).
It may seem “stubborn and stupid” (see song below) to maintain the status quo of doing nothing (in Love) but it doesn’t feel like that at all. I’m just keeping an open mind, an open heart, and an open door policy in case she returns.
I, I like the gravy
But you, you want to save me
From myself and I keep thinking
Of all the nights I spend alone
Well I’m stubborn and I’m stupid
Baby, would you please come home
So long you’ve been searching now
But still I can see your face
The memories numb this pain
Just for a moment
At night I lay sometimes
Awake in my bed
Repeating over and over
Right now as the moon is shining
I know you’re out somewhere
And you’re doing fine
If you need a place to go
[José James & Emily King]
Ooh, I just want you to know
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
Ooh, you can come to my door
I don’t mind, I don’t mind
I don’t mind at all
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless stated otherwise.