Sta Hungry Stay Foolish

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

A blog by Leon Oudejans

Loose ends

Last week, I invited a close friend to spend a vacation at my home. Many years ago, she took care of me while I was a mess. The tables have turned. There’s a 50/50 per cent chance that she may accept/reject my invitation. I hope that she will accept as there are loose ends between us that need healing.

Nearly all of my past relationships gave clean breaks, without loose ends. It’s even hard remembering some of those names. I prefer this type of ending. There’s neither a need nor a want nor a belief in finding out about the other person’s wellbeing, apart from a rare curiosity.

I made mistakes with my friend. I thought I knew myself. With the knowledge of hindsight, I now know that I did not know myself back then. My mistakes caused grief. Then with her, now with me. I’ve written to her about my mistakes. She accepted my apologies. Still, words are just words; actions count. I prefer to look her in the eyes, and say that I’m sorry.

I’m still not sure whether I’ve expectations in case she accepts my invitation. My mind is still investigating scenarios. I’m not sure if these scenarios will turn into expectations. I know the pros and cons of us being together. Even renewed chemistry may not bring an answer. Long face-to-face talks might.

I dislike ’What-if’ questions; see my 2016 blog. Still, it is this very ‘What-if’ question that may prevent me from any successful future relationship. The loose ends of our break-up seem to grow, like a hidden underground mycelial network, rather than to starve following a lack of nutrition. Perhaps, my continued interest in her well-being equals that nutrition.

Probably, the explanation is simple: I miss her, despite the occasional fighting about our shared history. Recently, I said to someone else that she should not worry about fighting with her partner, but worry about the moment that the fighting would stop. You only fight with each other as long as you haven’t given up on the other person. Indifference is lethal.

Somehow, she and I are both still hanging on a string, contemplating about a new shared future.

Hangin’ on a String (Contemplating) – 1984 – by Loose Ends
artists, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2

Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless stated otherwise.

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