I need to get a grip on myself. My emotions are taking over. Ratio is on the losing hand. For several days, I have been feeling empty. Also see my 2016 blog on palpable emptiness. An online friend said that I need a hug. She’s more right than she may know. Hugs are missing in my life. Partly, this is of my own doing. It’s difficult (for me) to combine a preference for solitude and a relationship.
It just occurred to me that in the preceding days, before the feeling of emptiness took over, I’ve been wondering whether I should refrain from seeking any new relationship. These seem doomed in my life. I’m quite sure that I’m not self-sabotaging. Many of the women whom I’ve met were actually (very) dear to me. Some still are, even though there’s no joint future.
Both events are probably related. Ratio seems to have started a process of acceptance that I’ll be alone in life. My emotions seem to express sadness over that (preliminary) “decision” as it’s very much against my wishes and desires. It just cannot be that there’s no match for me.
For several days, I’ve been watching French and Italian romantic comedies, which feel like a drug to me: these films are (probably) bad for your emotional health, and/but still attract you like a moth to a flame. These films offer hope and/but also reinforce your sadness.
The starting autumn season is probably affecting me – as usual. It reminds me of a season’s ending, of ageing and of decay, and of starting my wintersleep (my 2015 blog) until spring brings hope and life again.
I don’t like myself right now. My emotions are blocking my ratio. Only writing about this situation may relieve me. I’ve been fighting with myself over writing this blog as it’s very – and perhaps even too – personal. If this blog does see the light of day, then you know about my decision.
I need to help myself before I can help others (again). In the lyrics of her 1976 song Help Yourself, singer-songwriter Joan Armatrading came to a similar observation about herself and the ones who can help her:
Like a crying child
I need comfort now
Don’t pick me up
When the tears are dry on my face
Need someone to help me
But not you, you’re not ready
Seems you have trouble helping yourself
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless stated otherwise.