Following my recent blogs on trust (Trust works better both ways) and doubt (Why doubt is contagious), I suddenly realised that I had stopped loving her. I told her that I was losing my belief in us as a couple. She thinks that I’m overreacting. Well, I am not. As Dutch statesman Johan Thorbecke (1798-1872) once observed: “Trust arrives on foot and leaves on horseback”.
It occurred to me that the triangle of Love, Knowledge and Power (a.k.a. trialism) must be involved (my blogs). Power is build on trust (eg, alliances), while (lack of) doubt is crucial in Knowledge. Love cannot survive without Knowledge and Power. Similarly, love cannot survive with doubt and distrust. Perhaps, love could turn into lust. That basis is not enough for me.
I also realised that I had not checked our mutual zodiac before we started dating (my blogs). I did that on purpose in order to prevent an initial bias. Our mutual zodiac isn’t very hopeful: the combination of a Rat and a Rooster is a bad match. After reading, I understood our frictions.
Like my mother, she thinks I’m difficult. I prefer complex. To some extent, I consider myself as easy-going as long as you do not test my boundaries. Any display of distrust feels like an insult to me. I do not take it lightly. I’m also (very) sensitive to any display of reverse psychology and projection onto me (my blogs). I have had way too much experience with those mind games.
What’s next? Probably a (long) period of solitude, partly enforced by a Covid-19 lockdown. Moreover, it seems more and more plausible that I am indeed the common denominator in relationship breakups. Perhaps, I’m less relationship material than I have assumed thus far. Perhaps, I’m overly critical towards myself. Latter is nothing new to me.
There’s a thing that is bugging me. I do believe in Love with a capital L but do I still believe in love (for myself)? The mere fact that I can separate both, makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable.
“I wrote: ‘Do you really not believe in love?’ I really wished I never would have asked. ‘No’, she had written back. ‘I believe people become infatuated; maybe they even really like each other. But I don’t believe in love. Those kinds of feelings just don’t last. You feel them for a while, maybe even a few years, but eventually the feeling goes away.” A quote from What I Didn’t Say by Keary Taylor.
When did you stop loving me, when did I stop loving you (1978) by Marvin Gaye
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless stated otherwise.