Recently, a father sent congratulations on his daughter’s wedding on Dutch radio. That message also mentioned that this couple is each other’s friend. Latter struck a nerve. Despite some exceptions, a lack of friendship is indeed characteristic for my failed relationships. Moreover, the people whom you will miss, are your (former) friends rather than your (former) lovers.
Hence, I’ve updated a diagram from my blog Love: body, mind and soul to highlight the 3 pillars in a relationship: friendship, intimacy and trust.
In my 2015 blog, I mentioned 4 key ingredients, being communication, intimacy, respect and trust.
In my 2016 blog, I added 3 other items: forgiveness, togetherness and vulnerability.
My new diagram shows an overlap between ingredients and pillars.
Friendship includes 4 ingredients: communication, forgiveness, respect, and vulnerability.
My diagram above also has a logical explanation:
- Friendship does not need a bodily component. Hence, it’s between Mind and Soul.
- Intimacy can also occur outside a relationship. Hence, it’s between Body and Mind.
- Trust requires knowing someone’s intentions. Hence, that leaves Body and Soul.
Recently, a friend stressed that intimacy is much more than just sex. I agree(d) with her. Intimacy is about sharing and togetherness. Sharing is about body (eg, sex), mind (eg, ideas) and soul (eg, soulmate). The bodily or sexual component in intimacy could also be found outside a relationship (eg, Ted Talk by Esther Perel, friends with benefits).
I need, want and believe in a relationship based on all 3 pillars: friendship, intimacy and trust. My friend said that she admires me for not stopping believing in it. It’s hard though.
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless stated otherwise.