For several months, I’ve been wondering why so many of my emerging relationships were failing so quickly. I thought about blaming my new region but that doesn’t seem to make much sense. I thought about blaming myself, as I’m the only constant in these stories. Given the various reasons for the break-ups, I assumed that explanation to be irrelevant.
Late August, a phrase suddenly popped into my mind: desperately seeking. Initially, I waived its relevance. However, that phrase returned to my mind a few days later. I made a note of it. I’ve been doing some soul searching since. Actually, there might be some truth in that phrase, when it comes to my (current) life.
There are two statements that I may have been (dis)proving for several years. My former wife once said that I’ll never find another woman who would be dumb enough taking care of me. That was yet another case of her using reverse psychology and psychological projection onto me (my 2015 blog). My next and longtime girlfriend said the opposite: I’ll always be surrounded by women.
For several years, I have been making sure that there is no reason for a woman to take care of me. I’m mostly independent. I do, however, not believe in the newest movement “advocating for men to separate themselves from women”: Men Going Their Own Way. The reason is simple: I like women and usually they like me too.
Nevertheless, both statements are deeply ingrained in who I am today. Both also seem to drive my behaviour, ever since I arrived in my current habitat. Before, my relationships lasted at least a year. Since 2019, its average duration has collapsed to a point that makes me feel humiliated. I suppose that my efforts in repairing that average, could label me as desperately seeking.
This is the first time that I’ve found an explanation that actually makes sense to me.
In order to change your behaviour, you need to pass several hurdles before Change can happen: hearing, listening, accepting, believing, applying willpower, and having faith in your new beliefs. See my 2017 blog: The process of Change. The forthcoming months will tell in which stage I am.
The above is already rendering me with tranquility, renewed focus and perspective. I realise now that I’ve made some more rookie mistakes, like applying: speed over quality, the Fear Of Missing Out, the revenge-retaliation cycle. No wonder that I failed seeing the forest for the trees.
Another mistake would be closing myself off to others – again. I’ve done that before. Afterwards, I started repeating my mistakes. I now realise the river must flow, albeit with due diligence.
The River Must Flow (1978) by Gino Vannelli
artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless stated otherwise.
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