Quite frequently, I feel like Ricky Gervais‘ character in After Life (IMDb, yesterday’s blog, Netflix). At times, I feel like the frog when a scorpion has stung me again. My melancholic side is easily triggered and then grief, sadness, sorrow and/or anger will erupt. My silent sorrow (my recent blog) is related to several losses, which usually makes it hard for me to locate its source.
Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross‘ cycle of processing grief suggests that stage 5 (Acceptance) is final. What if it’s not final? Sometimes, I wonder if I’m back at – or still in – stage 2 (Anger) or stage 4 (Depression). Most of the time, I think, feel and believe that I have reached stage 5 (Acceptance) years ago. Perhaps, the DABDA cycle is one that reiterates until we are “ready” moving on.
That ‘moving on‘ is often called closure. Closure seems to come on top of forgiving and forgetting. I’m not sure if I believe in psychological closure. I (highly) recommend watching a 2012 TED video, Beyond Closure, by Drake University sociologist Nancy Berns, which gives a different perspective.
Nevertheless, if closure does really exist then it might be a new step 6 following steps 1-5, being: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance (or: DABDA). In that view, the Kubler-Ross cycle might be never-ending – albeit (probably) with shortening intervals – as long as step 6 (Closure) has not been achieved.
Closure probably implies that grief, sadness and/or sorrow no longer have a meaning or purpose in (your) life. A part of my grief, sadness and/or sorrow is, however, related to unfinished business (eg, my recent blog) Hence, it serves as a purpose because I do not want to forget. In my view, forgiving is (much) easier than forgetting.
Even without my unfinished business, sadness may also arrive when I’m unable helping others. I think, feel and believe (strongly) that helping others is the human raison d’être – our reason for being or existing. I’m aware of the dangers of empathy (eg, Forbes-2018, PT-2018, Vice-2017). I also believe in the wise words of the Serenity Prayer.
To some extent, my grief, sadness and/or sorrow make me feel alive and able to kick-ass when I need to, or want to. Similarly, I believe that it makes me human and keeps me grounded. I’m just not a happy-go-lucky person. Don’t ask me to change because I don’t want to change you.
I Don’t Want To Change You (2014) by Damien Rice
artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
Oh, ’cause I don’t want to change you
I don’t want to change you
I don’t want to change your mind
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless stated otherwise.
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