Tuesday morning last week, she started a blame game. This made me angry as it triggered very unpleasant memories. I used silence to de-escalate and wrote my macro-micro metaphor Shattered illusions. My silence made matters worse. She left me, while blaming my anger for her departure. She assumed no accountability or responsibility for her vicious remarks.
The next day, my anger was gone. This is normal for me as my anger never lasts long. However, I also noticed that my love for her was gone. Before, I liked and even enjoyed the sharpness of her tone. Now, I just view her as a mean person.
Finally, I understand the meaning of the proverb love is blind: “A person who is in love can see no faults or imperfections in the person whom he or she loves”. Before, I believed that my ratio would be able to alert me, even when in love.
The emotional me wants revenge & retaliation. The rational me is preventing a rebound relationship. Hence, I’m restraining myself from entering the dating market again (my recent blog). My current state of mind may only hurt someone else – and myself.
My deepest fear is giving up on Hope. Without Hope, what’s the point of living? Contrary to many people, I’m not afraid of dying. I do not fear death. Sometimes, death comes as a friend. Apparently, I’m not alone in this thought: blog-1, blog-2, book, website.
The question seems to be: how do you find Hope again? Deep down, I know the real question is: how do you overcome Doubt? As long as you’re outside the Dark Side, there’s always Hope.
The eternal cycle of Change (see my diagram) governs our lives. It has two phases: decoupling and coupling. Right now, I’m in the decoupling phase, represented by Doubt and Fear. Soon, I’ll be heading for the Vacuum (eg, empty mind).
This door is closed now. Nevertheless, it’s too soon opening other doors. Right now, it’s about forgiving and forgetting (my blogs). Writing this blog is necessary for losing my pain and for being able to move on.
“If I close my eyes, plug my ears, and hold my tongue, all of this will cease to exist. I can pretend it never happened. No one will blame me if I choose to shove these memories into the back of my mind.” A quote from Shattered Illusions (2013) by Leigh Hershkovich.
After the Love Has Gone (1979) by Earth, Wind & Fire
After the love has gone
What used to be right is wrong
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless stated otherwise.