Sta Hungry Stay Foolish

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

A blog by Leon Oudejans

Don’t ask questions if you don’t want to hear the answer (2)

Late 2019, I wrote my blog Don’t ask questions if you don’t want to hear the answer. Early February 2020, someone asked me why I had visited her dating profile without leaving her a message. I reread her profile and slowly it dawned upon me why I had not. Her looks had felt condescending and some items in her profile had not appealed to me.

I wondered if I should answer her question and – moreover – be honest with her. Something did not feel well in the way she had phrased her question to me. I decided to send her my reply, without an immediate answer. I warned her for asking such potentially dangerous questions. I asked her if she was really sure about wanting to receive my feedback.

Her answer proved my point: she wasn’t ready at all for any criticism, even though she was actively soliciting for such criticism. A key line in her message was this one: “Your feedback could be educational but only if it has some bearing in my eyes.” The rest of her answer to me assumed that I would be having the worst of intentions towards her.

In my reply, I wrote to her about the distinction between deeds, words and intentions (my blogs). Even good intentions can result into words that hurt badly. You only know that with hindsight. Moreover, my feedback would never give her an absolute truth. Probably not even an objective truth; just a subjective truth. Please see my 2019 blog: Our search for the truth

I declined giving her my feedback as she did not seem susceptible for it. She had already felt attacked by my “simple” question whether she was sure about asking me for such a potentially dangerous question. My refusal to give feedback infuriated her. Her angry response contained the trademarks of reverse psychology and projection (my blogs).

Her entire attitude towards me, including some private details, suggest to me that she is close to a burn-out (my blogs). Even without a burn-out, being on a dating site is a challenge to your self-esteem (my 2019 blog). You get (very) many visitors (to date: 4002) and few of them (to date: 125 or 3%) will send you a message. A burn-out will only boost an already suspicious mind. 

In general, asking for feedback does not make sense if you (i) have no doubts about yourself, and/or (ii) have suspicions about someone else. Having doubts (eg, about “facts”, opinions, yourself) is a key tool for learning. Having suspicions is about a perceived difference between the deeds, words and intentions of someone (else). The truth is about affirmation, not about learning.

“The moment there is suspicion about a person’s motives, everything he does becomes tainted.” A quote by Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), “an Indian lawyer, anti-colonial nationalist, and political ethicist”.

Suspicious Minds (1968) by Elvis Presley

artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2

Note: all markings (bolditalicunderlining) by LO unless stated otherwise.


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