Sta Hungry Stay Foolish

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

A blog by Leon Oudejans

Bend or Break

Recently, I was confronted with an ingenious argument: I am who I am because of my past. Hence, you should grant me similar behaviour in my future in order to remain to be (i) the person that I am today and (ii) the person whom you like. She says it’s unfair of me to refuse her wishes. I offered her a compromise, which she did not like. This issue keeps surfacing.

I have told her this is a bend or break situation: either someone bends or this new relationship will break. Probably even sooner than later. A complicating issue is that my objections are – at least – of a moral nature. If my tolerance would increase, I would be the one to bend. However, I’m unwilling to bend my tolerance that much. She’s asking for more than I’m willing to give.

The above issue also relates to a Mark Twain (1835-1910) quote:

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

I wish to be a choice and a priority in someone’s life, not an option. Hence, I expect her to bend. Else, I will end (break) the relationship. She knows my point of view but is still eager to look for holes in my arguments and continues negotiating. Her actions feel like bargaining, stage 3 in the Kübler-Ross model, which also applies to processing change. Also see my DABDA blogs.

I’ve also used arguments that fit her “world”. She knows that those arguments are valid. Still, she proposes a non-existing hybrid version that accommodates her wishes. She has invited me to explore her “world” as she hopes that such an experience might lead to my acceptance and/or my (increased) tolerance. However, her “world” does not appeal to me, at all.

I need to, want to, and believe in retaining my moral compass in life. Moreover, I’m concerned that temptation would lure me towards the Power dimension. I prefer to be in the “middle” of the Love, Knowledge and Power dimension (ie, trialism). That is where I find my tranquility and the roads to Wisdom.

A few days ago, she has asked for a transitional period to leave her “world”. I told her that a cold turkey approach might be smarter. Nevertheless, I have given her my acceptance, albeit with a strict condition. My condition is slowly becoming an obstacle. This makes me doubt about her willingness to change. More and more, I’m viewing her as an addict.

“At first, addiction is maintained by pleasure, but the intensity of this pleasure gradually diminishes and the addiction is then maintained by the avoidance of pain.” A quote from the 2005 book Love Sick by Frank Tallis (b. 1958), “an author and clinical psychologist”.

Addicted to Love (1986) by Robert Palmer (1949-2003)

artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2

Note: all markings (bolditalicunderlining) by LO unless stated otherwise.


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