The past two weeks were not easy for being alone. Using dating apps only worsened my feelings. A friend sent me a Dutch interview with this title: 150 dates and still single: how is that possible? This (Dutch) female perspective on dating is quite revealing. At a second glance, I had just one thought: there is something important underneath these stories.
The next day, I had my Eureka moment: dating (apps) is (are) a marketplace for love for people who struggle with fears. A marketplace suggests speed (eg, availability, decision-making, volume). Human fears are like roadblocks: they slow down our speed and make us hesitant. Hence, there are two (head-on) collisions in dating: (i) love vs fear and (ii) speed vs hesitance.
Remarkably, the outcome of modern dating is similar to old school dating: it takes a lot of time and effort finding the person, whom you fancy. It’s difficult accepting this “outdated” result while being in the Technological Revolution of 1800-2100. At times, these dating apps and/or sites feel useless to get what you want: a new romantic partner.
Often, we only see the advantages of technology as an opportunity (eg, availability, decision-making, speed, volume). We close our eyes for disadvantages (eg, eavesdropping, hacking, phishing, scamming, tracking) and act surprised that using modern technology can also be a threat (eg, doorbell camera, Internet of Things, smart electricity meters, smart home speakers).
The technology behind (free versions of) dating apps and/or sites does not seem sophisticated. You cannot select on astrological signs while some of these signs provide the worst possible combinationof characters. You cannot select on hair and/or skin colour. Gentlemen prefer blondes but I do not. Basically, these (free) apps/sites only let you select on age and distance.
Based upon my experience, I’m using the following additional criteria for deselection: alcohol in pics, arrogance (pics), most blondes, children (pics), horseback riding, no children (text), dogs as mates, fake pics, most foreigners, ignorance (text), skiing, intense sporting, using sunglasses for hiding eyes, no profile text (eg, ONS), and a wish for luxury travelling.
Yes, my dating criteria might be harsh. However, in my view, Less = More rather than More = Better. My many deselection criteria could imply that I could miss my perfect match. Nevertheless, I prefer using my focus rather than following a wild-goose chase. Still, dating matches trigger (my) fears that can easily overtake your search for love. The chorus line in the song below, feels very familiar.
“People who have been single for too long are the hardest to love. They have become so used to being single, independent, self-sufficient that it takes something extraordinary to convince them that they need you in their life.” A quote by Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach, a Filipina-German model who was crowned Miss Universe in 2015 (also see my 2017 blog).
The Fear (2008) by Lily Allen
artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
And I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cause I’m being taken over by the fear
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless stated otherwise.
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