I am reliving an episode from my life. That episode didn’t end well and neither may this one. It feels like I’m watching my life’s movie – and not the best parts of it. I call it a déjà vu, for lack of a better description. That déjà vu feeling started at least a week ago. Despite this realisation, I feel paralyzed and I’m lacking the willpower to change its outcome.
My lacking willpower makes me question my beliefs, including my faith in them. Perhaps, we are not meant to be together. I know very well that we would never have met if she had not been sick. We are (very) different. Over the past months, I expressed my expectation that she might go back to her old life, once she would recover. She disagreed with that expectation.
The bare truth is that I cannot give her what she expects. I know very well that “cannot” is often an excuse for “will not“. There is even a Dutch proverb that says: “Cannot is will-not’s brother and lies at the graveyard next to dare-not”. This is what our parents used to say when we – being kids – claimed that something was not possible. Unfortunately, this appears to be a case of “cannot“.
At the moment of writing this, I’m still gathering my thoughts. This is our 2nd break-up. A 3rd one is usually the final one (see my 2017 Dutch language blog). There may not be a 3rd attempt. It might be better to quit as friends rather than as foes. I know that it’s possible to remain friends if and when a relationship ends. That is another déjà vu.
Fortunately, there’s no need for apologising to each other because there is no one to blame. Blaming requires making faults. There are no faults in our story. We just need to make up our minds if this is what we need, want and believe in. I know that she needs, wants and believes in “more”.
Another déjà vu is being “empty-handed” again. I already told her that I might go for a dog this time rather than a new girlfriend. A dog is less likely to disappoint you in life. That’s probably the reason why a 2017 study revealed that humans love dogs more than other humans (BI). In due time, I might share that conclusion.
I thought that perhaps my 2016 blog “Sometimes Love is (just) not enough” – and 1992 Patty Smyth & Don Henley song – would be relevant for this blog. Well, it’s not. If anything, this is a situation of not enough love rather than anything else. Unfortunately, that is another déjà vu in my life.
To be continued – or not.
Déjà vu (1970) by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
artist 1, artist 2, artist 3, artist 4, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
If I had ever been here before
I would probably know just what to do
Don’t you?
If I had ever been here before
On another time around the wheel
I would probably know just how to deal
With all of you
And I feel like I’ve been here before
Feel like I’ve been here before
And you know, it makes me wonder
What’s going on []
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless stated otherwise
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