I feel much better as my food poisoning recovery is nearly finished. Saturday evening, I felt a sudden bruising near my chest, which did not make any sense. Several hours later, it turned into feeling a heavy brick inside my stomach. Soon afterwards, vomiting started which continued well into early Sunday morning. I felt a lot of self pity that day.
Self pity was on my list of topics. I waived it because I couldn’t find the (starting) words. Moreover, self pity is pretty personal and perhaps even too invasive. Self pity is (probably) related to our Dark Side, which stores our Doubts and Fears. Self pity also creates that victim role in which you are craving for attention and rejecting it when it comes.
My main fear, when being sick, is about being old, all alone and helpless while no one even knows that I’m sick. That scenario may not be (very) plausible but fears are often irrational. In reality, I need and want my privacy when I’m sick. The last thing I need is a mother-like-type who keeps asking “are you okay” whenever I cough, moan, sneeze, or run to the toilet.
I now really understand why my girlfriend went back home about a week ago. She needs and wants her privacy in order to deal with the increasing pain, following the end of her radiation treatment. Her night & day schedule is (very) disrupted and she sleeps whenever she needs and wants. Being alone allows for that kind of privacy.
Self pity feels like an emotional (brain) wave: it comes and goes as it pleases. I don’t like this feeling of self pity as it makes me a less pleasant person than I am and want to be. I like being a stable person, who doesn’t show emotional peaks and troughs. Deep inside, I am a (very) emotional person however. My self control prevents me from showing volatile emotions.
My choice for self control took away my self pity and before my recovery did. I don’t need or want self pity in my life as I don’t need or want the Dark Side (back) in my life. Self pity is comforting for a while but when the Dark Side takes over, discomfort suddenly becomes a wishful feeling.
The start of an emotional (brain) wave, like self pity, may not be our Choice but ending it, is. Life is full of minor – and sometimes major – choices. We will never know the outcome of alternative choices. Hence, the “What-If” question is meaningless and – moreover – dangerous.
Three of the governing principles of Life, Nature and the Universe are Change, Symmetry and Balance. Self pity might just be an emotional wave (ie, Change) disturbing an emotional balance. There is, however, always a Choice between “riding” a wave and restoring balance.
To quote Boris Yeltsin: “We don’t appreciate what we have until it’s gone. Freedom is like that. It’s like air. When you have it, you don’t notice it.” Just replace freedom by emotional wellbeing.
Until It’s Gone (2014) by Linkin Park – artists, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless stated otherwise
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