Sta Hungry Stay Foolish

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

A blog by Leon Oudejans

The Fear of Love (2)

Part 1 of my blog The Fear of Love resulted from an unexpected break-up. It came out of the blue. My distrust and/or mistrust have taken over since. From experience, I know how hard it is for me to restore my trust in someone. I also know that my cycle of Doubt-Fear-Hope-Love (see below) will always continue. I’m not too worried about my current phase. It will change.

I am more worried about childhood memories and their impact on the Fear of Love. It’s one of the reasons why I failed to recognise the signals in my marriage. That marriage was doomed to fail. A subsequent relationship was also doomed to fail due to childhood memories. The older you get, the more likely you meet someone who was hurt in her/his past.

The absence – or presence – of loving parents is not a guarantee for a failure – or a success – of your own relationship(s). I have seen examples that go both directions. I have once been betrayed and was desperate to forgive, for many months. I have also been betrayed while – to some extent – I’m still loving her for her added value to my life. Each situation has its own merits.

My mother claims that I was (am) too transparent. Perhaps she is right. However, I prefer to be open rather than hiding my fears and worries. I did that for many years before. If someone can’t handle these fears and worries then she shouldn’t be in my life. Better sooner than later. Frankly, this is the essence of what led to the unexpected break-up.

To some extent, I do fear and worry that my failed marriage was a bad example to my children. I cannot change anything about that past. I can only change the future and I am doing that. To some extent, parents are accountable but they are not responsible (my blog) for their children’s (love) life. Often people confuse these related concepts, like irony and sarcasm.

While writing this blog, the phrase “sins of the father” came to my mind. According to Wikipedia, this expression “derives from Biblical references (primarily in the books Exodus, Deuteronomy, and Numbers) to the sins (or iniquities) of one generation passing to another.” Although I do notice some relevance, I doubt that I believe in the concept of (family) curses.

Change is the only constant in our lives. Any equilibrium (eg, doubt, fear, hope, love) is just temporary. Adaptation to Change is essential for survival. Still, Change is also what we fear most of all. Also see my other blogs on Change and/or Fear.

Each new day, I notice that Hope is reclaiming lost ground on Doubt and Fear. Soon, I will again find the time and (new) place to open my heart. 

Perhaps that is the miracle of love.

The Miracle of Love (1986) by Eurythmics 

artists, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2

How many sorrows

Do you try to hide

In a world of illusion

That’s covering your mind?

I’ll show you something good

Oh I’ll show you something good.

When you open your mind

You’ll discover the sign

That there’s something

You’re longing to find…

The miracle of love

Will take away your pain

When the miracle of love

Comes your way again.

Cruel is the night

That covers up your fears.

Tender is the one

That wipes away your tears.

There must be a bitter breeze

To make you sting so viciously –

They say the greatest coward

Can hurt the most ferociously.

But I’ll show you something good.

Oh I’ll show you something good.

If you open your heart

You can make a new start

When your crumbling world falls apart.

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