Sta Hungry Stay Foolish

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

A blog by Leon Oudejans

Men cannot be alone

12 December 2017


Saturday’s newspaper Trouw featured a column by a recently divorced female journalist. Its intriguing heading was: “Neither do I know a divorced man who didn’t already have another woman”. The journalist introduced a relationship therapist and had her say these words: “A man cannot be alone. It’s just as simple as that.”

I must admit that I have believed this view for decades. Possibly because my former wife often reminded me of this. Possibly because I wasn’t allowed to do household chores as I was deemed too slow. Possibly because other women in my life also stimulated this belief.

Since several years, I do no longer believe in this view. My domestic independence is a serious goal in my life. I want to prove – to myself, first and foremost – that I do not need a woman in my life. I do want a woman in my life but that is because life can be nicer together.

I will never master my household chores and I have accepted that quite quickly. I only do them when I feel they must be done. In general, they have a lower priority than my reading, thinking and writing. Sometimes I get some innocent remarks as my domestic ambition is lower than others.

In general, I believe that men are more opportunistic and/or pragmatic. Hence, many men will indeed have a girlfriend, especially when they expect that their current relationship will not last. Investing some time in a potential new relationship will seem a smart move to a man.

In general, I think, feel and believe that women believe in an “All or Nothing” or “zero-sum game” approach. This situation is characterized by having a Winner and a Loser. Men will aim to avoid such situations by creating (additional) options for themselves.

One of the valuable comments that I received was about who is taking the initiative. If the other person didn’t see the break-up coming then (s)he may have a period of grief before dating. Some may start dating while being in the Angry phase. Revenge and/or retaliation is often a bad motive. Grief usually follows these 5 steps: Denial (my blogs), Anger (my blog), Bargaining (my blogs), Depression (my blogs), and Acceptance (my blog) – a.k.a. the Kubler-Ross model.

Women claim to be better in multitasking. In general, I believe this claim is probably true. Example: running a family, a household, and a (parttime) job. However, men may be better in single-tasking: a dedicated focus on a career at sports or work while minimizing distractions. A successful combination of single and multitasking can indeed pay off (well) to both partners.

Most women probably know that they do not need a man. I’m not sure what would happen to society when men would stop believing that they need a woman. This will probably never happen as women are not eager to share their knowledge. In 1971, Neil Young seemed pretty well-informed – for a man.

A Man Needs A Maid (1971) by Neil Young – artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2


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