In my blogs of 15 July and 10 August 2015, I mentioned the 4 criteria for a viable relationship: communication, intimacy, respect, and trust. Three additional criteria for a truly unique relationship were added in my 19 January 2016 blog: forgiveness, togetherness and vulnerability.
The key difference between a friendship and a relationship seems easy: intimacy. This would be a wrong conclusion. Intimacy is a much broader concept than sexual intimacy. If you won’t share intimate details with someone then that person is probably outside your friendzone.
Not sharing intimate details with your partner – or friend – can either be wise or lethal: “In friendship as well as love, ignorance very often contributes more to our happiness than knowledge”. A quote by François de la Rochefoucauld (1613-1680).
Many friendships are between the same sexes (M/M and F/F). Intimacy is probably a key ingredient in those friendships. Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) had a fascinating view on a M/F friendship: “Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” A funny 2011 YouTube video agrees.
The key differences between a friendship and a relationship probably are (i) communication and (ii) togetherness. A friendship bridges the dimensions Space and Time. It does not necessarily need frequent communication and/or encounters. Once a year, or even less, could be enough.
The “heart of the matter” in friendships and/or relationships is – probably – forgiveness. All others may (temporarily) deteriorate. Without forgiveness, a friendship and/or a relationship is virtually dead, although the final farewell may take some time.
Another key difference in friendships and relationships is Time. Studies indicate that it is hard to make new friends over the age of 30 (eg, Atlantic, Guardian, NYT). Relationships, however, may even start in your 70s, 80s or 90s.
Space is another difference between friendships and relationships, although I must acknowledge that some people disagree with me. In my view, it’s hard to build a relationship if you do not regularly meet your (future) partner. Clearly, social media are not a substitute for face-to-face encounters. Online conversations without the appropriate smileys can easily be misunderstood.
Aristotle (384 BC – 322 BC) defined 3 kinds of friendship. Their modern equivalents would be: LinkedIn friends, Facebook friends, and true friends. Big Think: “[Latter] friendships are hard to find because people who make the cut of “virtuous” are hard to find. Aristotle laments the rarity of such friendships, but notes they are possible between two virtuous people who can invest the time needed to create such a bond.”
Despite its possible consequences at break-up, I prefer my romantic partner to be my true friend and best friend.
A Woman, a Lover, a Friend (1960) by Jackie Wilson – artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
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