I am confused. Not only because my daily pageviews have been plummeting for a while. I am also confused about what happened on 8 June 2016 and 2017. The odds that I am visiting a friend in hospital, on the same day in 2 different years, are extremely small. I feel that there is a message somewhere but I am unable to grasp it.
On 8 June 2016, I visited Joan who had texted me 2 days earlier on her terminal illness. She introduced me as her boyfriend to everyone. It felt good being her boyfriend again for the last 3 weeks of her life. It was hard seeing her body deteriorate so quickly. She accepted this with grace. Fortunately, her mind was steady.
On 8 June 2017, I had to call the emergency line for an ambulance for my (new) friend. We both realise she was lucky that the incident happened at my home. The gravity of the matter only sank in afterwards and adds to my current confusion. Things could have been much worse. There’s a thin line between a carefree life and sudden death.
I’m also reminded – once again – of my father’s demise in 1994 at the relatively young age of 61. Several years ago, I was worried about approaching his age. Now I’m only 4 years away but no longer worried. The only worry I have is having no regrets (FB video). No regrets implies no postponing. My renewed procrastination has added to my confusion.
And then there’s work, or more appropriately, the absence of work. Without work, I don’t need a car. Without a car, I would make substantial savings on my negative cash-flow. An improved cash-flow allows for some further procrastination. Procrastination could however well be the source of future regrets. That is just a part of the loop of my confusion.
My confusion is twofold and relates to Change and Grief. The 1st part of my confusion can be explained through a diagram called “The Equation for Change“. I am stuck on row 2: lack of vision results in confusion. I’m just living in the Now. My dreams seem shelved.
For my recent Redemption blog, I prepared a diagram connecting the concepts of Grief and Change. There is no human Change without processing the 5 steps of the Kübler-Ross model: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Change also requires believing, willpower and faith. I’m still wondering where I’m stuck here.
I am happy to share my revised drawing with you: