Sta Hungry Stay Foolish

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

A blog by Leon Oudejans

Thin line between Love and Hate

Some friends considered the 1st draft of this blog as too personal. Someone was worried about me, another one was worried about the other person. In the end, I decided on keeping the subject and rewriting the blog. The blog title, a thin line between love and hate, was on my list before the incident happened.

In my 17 May 2016 blog, I classified Love (positive) and Fear (negative) as primal and opposite emotions in our human firmware. l also presented Love and Hate as opposite emotions in our present conscious adulthood. Clearly, Fear and Hate must have a relationship.

Given that “everything follows Why”, the relationship between Fear and Hate should become clear by answering the questions: (1) why do we hate and (2) why do we fear.

Why do we fear? Fear is the consequence of uncertainty. If we knew what would happen then we wouldn’t fear the outcome of our (lack of) deeds, words and sometimes even thoughts. Basically, we hate uncertainty and (the uncertainty of) change.

Why do we hate? A 2016 Psychology Today article with this same title reveals something that I had never considered before: hate is rooted in reverse psychology and projection ! Psychology Today: “It says everything about the hater, and  nothing about the hated.”

Psychology Today: ”I’m insecure in myself, in my identification with my culture, in my sexual orientation, in my  gender – so I project hatred onto you because I’m not real sure that if I don’t, I won’t hate myself.”

Uncertainty seems to be the common denominator in fear and hate. The uncertainty that we feel inside ourselves about the behaviour of others (e.g., foreigners, immigrants, race, religion, sexuality) creates fear and may bring hatred as a coping mechanism.

There’s lots of uncertainty in Love: does the other person love me too? Does (s)he love me less or even more? It’s probably fair to say that Love says everything about the lover, and nothing about the loved. You will never ever know what the other person truly thinks. You must rely on the other person’s deeds and words. That creates uncertainty.

This uncertainty in Love is probably the root cause for the thin line between love and hate. A feeling of Love brings expectations about the other person and about a joint future. Expectations are the key ingredient for disappointments, unhappiness and potentially hate. In general, the less you expect in/of life, the more likely you will feel happiness in life. The more you expect in/of life, the more likely you will be disappointed and become unhappy in life.

Love thrives on compatibility: “a state in which two things are able to exist or occur together without problems or conflict” (Oxford). Expecting someone to change, for whatever reason, is bound to cause mutual disappointments. Change is a process governed by uncertainty for all participants, not just the object/subject of change. Change creates uncertainty, then fear, and fear can turn Love into Hate.

Love & Hate (2016) by Michael Kiwanuka – artistlyricsvideoWiki-1Wiki-2

Thin Line Between Love and Hate (1984) by The Pretenders



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