Sta Hungry Stay Foolish

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

A blog by Leon Oudejans

You Me Her

15 February 2017


Since 10 February 2017, I’m watching a new Netflix series: You Me Her (IMDb). It’s a tragicomedy with a fascinating topic that is appealing to our sexual fantasies. A three-way romantic relationship has always been popular in movies and on TV (eg, Threesome 1984Threesome 1994, Threesome 2011). Once you read about real life experiences, you know it’s a recipe for disaster.

In these instances, I’m always reminded of a story someone told me many, many years ago. That couple was swinging. They met another swinging couple and had great fun. Unfortunately, both women fell in love, started cohabiting, and took the kids with them. The men were left with nothing. Lesson: there will always be a difference in the intensity of human bonding.

In earlier blogs, I stated the 4 criteria for viable relationships: communication, intimacy, respect and trust (eg, 15 July 201510 August 2015). In my 19 January 2016 blog, I mentioned the 3 additional criteria for unique relationships: togetherness, vulnerability and – especially – forgiveness.

Given the fundamental lack of trust between men and women, these 4 to 7 criteria are already a challenge between 2 people of the opposite sex, let alone three people. From a statistical point of view, it’s almost impossible to have a triangle that is “perfect” along these 4 to 7 criteria.

Imperfection along these 4 to 7 criteria will lead to jealousy. While episode 1 of You Me Her is about curiosity, and episode 2 about temptation, episode 3 is already about jealousy. The fear of losing someone because of their bonding, is a trigger for intense jealousy – unless you don’t care.

I doubt it’s possible to love 2 persons with the same intensity – apart from measuring that difference. Even parents will have a hard time giving each child the same amount of attention. The intensity of loving – and hating – in romantic affairs is much and much stronger than in parental affairs.

Perhaps there is a hidden gem in a three-way romantic relationship: good relationships will become better and less good relationships will go from bad to worse. The key differences are perspective and time: adding an additional person in a relationship will bring a new and also a better perspective on what you have – right now.

Most of us only know what me miss once it’s gone (eg, Bløf, lyrics, video, De Dijk, lyrics, video). But you cannot lose what you’ve never had (eg, IOS, lyrics, video). Beware of the psychological cost of reconciliation: one will see a win and the other one will feel losing. You need to be prepared for accepting a new balance of power in the relationship.

Excerpt from my 14 May 2016 blog: The need or wish for reconciliation may well be of a selfish and short-term nature and rooted in feelings ofregret and remorse, while the cost of a reconciliation may include long-term feelings of mental pain rooted in guilt and shame.

Dream on Dreamer (1994) – Brand New Heavies – artists, lyrics, video, Wiki


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