Following yesterday’s blog, I received a question to write about the “right woman”. This topic had been on my list before but I wasn’t ready for it then. I have written several related blogs on this topic: who will be holding your hand, togetherness, what makes a relationship truly unique, right to be wrong, damaged goods, and can you love someone else if you don’t love yourself.
The “right woman” depends on the stage of Needs-Wants-Beliefs. The “right woman” in Needs is typically your mother. The “right woman” in Wants is usually someone from a similar socio-economic background (eg, culture, education, income, language, politics, race, religion, social class, upbringing). The “right woman” in Beliefs can be anyone from anywhere.
The above already shows that the “right woman” is a dynamic rather than a static puzzle. At this stage, it’s important to realise that humans do not like Change. In fact, humans usually fear Change (part 1, part 2, part 3). The “right woman” in Needs subconsciously influences our search in Wants. The “right woman” in Needs and/or Wants subconsciously influences our search in Beliefs.
Another interesting angle is the interaction between the “right woman” in Needs, Wants and Beliefs. My mother has a clear opinion about my female partner choices in Wants and Beliefs. Much to my own surprise, my mother was very fond of Joan. After meeting each other, they immediately connected. Today, my mother was even worried about the health of my recent guest, given the Dutch flu outbreak. I told her she only suffers from a jet lag.
After breaking up with someone then you finally hear the truth from your family about your choice of partner. Unfortunately, it makes sense that they were silent during your relationship. Speaking up is a perfect recipe for alienation between you and your family. Most men support their partner whom they see and need most. With hindsight, I recognise the symptoms of a bad relationship between my partner and my family: decreasing frequency of family visits, climaxing into solo visits.
A friend of mine did speak up to his son about his son’s wife. The result is that he is no longer welcome, he doesn’t see his grandchild, and that his gifts to his grandchild are returned. He is angry with his son. I keep reminding my friend that his son is in a Catch-22: a divorce would cost him his child and “gain” his family. The fear of Change makes people freeze and decisions are delayed.
I learned several lessons about the “right woman”. Perhaps the most important one is that you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else (my blog). This works both ways (see my blog). Loving yourself is easily misunderstood and needs some explanation. Today, self-love may look like flaunting or narcissism to other people (eg, PT1, PT2). Loving yourself means accepting your flaws, appreciating your existence, and feeling worthy. It’s probably our most challenging ambition.
I think, feel and believe that all of my partner choices were once right. However, it’s impossible to see a complete picture of another person at once. The real problem was my fear of Change when I felt that I was wrong after all. Loving yourself first and foremost also implies that you are worthy of Change. Loving yourself is the perfect recipe for ending up with the Right Woman.
Justin Bieber – Love Yourself (2015) – artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
My mama don’t like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I’ve been so caught up in my job,
Didn’t see what’s going on
But now I know,
I’m better sleeping on my own
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