At the end of some months, I become melancholic. September has just started. The first month after the summer season with the letter R in it. Autumn and Winter are approaching swiftly and I also feel it that way. I know that each season has its own blessings but I will miss summer. I always miss sunny days even though I prefer being outside in the shades.
I have just deleted several apps on my smartphone: FB Messenger, Viber, and WhatsApp. I want to see how long I can stay offline. I miss hearing voices. Voices have emotion and text messages often feel cold and rational despite the use of emoticons. Yesterday I had a chat with someone new and only afterwards I realised that I’ve never even heard her voice.
Since yesterday I’m hiding every single post about Donald Trump. I can no longer stand seeing his face. My dislike for his opponent is less but that’s about it. I genuinely wish that Obama could get a 3rd term as his successors lack everything he has. His increasing approval ratings also mirror the dislike for these two “presidential” candidates.
Today’s blog is late. Yesterday I had no clue what to write despite my long list of potential subjects. Every blog suggestion felt trivial. I’m considering going offline for a while if this feeling persists. I’m reluctant to write about subjects that hardly interest me. I might continue with my book on the 7 Belief systems although starting from scratch would probably be better.
I also realise that I miss Joan. The final 3 weeks of her life brought us closer than ever before. No more chit chats but only the real stuff or just silence. There’s a lot of truth in silence. Many people are afraid of silence. They just talk to prevent silence. Silence between people makes you aware whether you genuinely appreciate someone’s company.
The more I have learned, the more I realise knowledge is becoming a burden. I can’t change things as I lack the power. Knowledge without Power feels useless. At the very best, I have helped some strangers coping with their own lives. Perhaps I’ve even changed some minds. Probably not as beliefs and belief systems are deeply rooted in our minds.
My individual triangle of Faith-Hope-Love has been bruised. My faith is still solid, love is lacking, and my hope feels like being attacked from every possible angle. Perhaps a renewed period of solitude can assist in healing the bruises. A new love would be better. My urge for writing seems to conflict with that ambition.
At times I envy where Joan is now. Then I realise that my journey isn’t over yet. There are still issues on my bucket and my To Do list. Time is a precious gift because it’s limited. Time and space are meaningless where Joan resides. I’m not sure whether I envy that idea. Perhaps there’s just too much on my mind. My ambition for finding wisdom seems more and more foolish. Perhaps ignorance is bliss after all.
Perhaps I’m just tired.
LÉON – Tired of Talking (2015) – artist, lyrics, video, Wiki
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