To me, one of the most opaque words in life is “friends”. Adjectives are required to explain its true nature: best, close, FB, intimate, with benefits. Despite having all these types of friends, you may still feel alone when you actually need them around. In my dictionary, most people to whom we refer as friends only qualify as acquaintances. Like the title inflation at our workplace, a similar erosion happened in our social lives. Today, everybody is a manager and a friend.
In my 2 September 2016 blog, I mentioned that I miss my friend Joan. In the initial version, I also mentioned a second name. I skipped that name. She is/was my friend. I could add several adjectives but that would just acknowledge the title inflation. I am not sure anymore what I am to her today. For a long time, I maintained contact. Her responses became less and less. We may never even speak again. Does that undo a friendship? No, not in my view.
Being friends with a woman is the hardest thing for a man, especially when you also like her. Liking can be physical, emotional, and/or intellectual. Liking will ultimately cause sexual attraction. A former lover is probably the only exception to Oscar Wilde’s famous statement: “Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” Oscar Wilde is clearly not talking about so called Facebook friends.
This blog and the one of 2 September 2016, is the result of a Positive Outlooks picture that keeps bugging my mind and states: “You realise how much you truly miss someone when something happens – good or bad – and the only person you want to tell is the one person who isn’t there.” I think, feel and believe that this statement separates friends from acquaintances.
Last Sunday evening, the Dutch PM was the “summer guest” in a Dutch public TV broadcast. He reminded me of myself in various ways. A few of his comments are relevant to this blog. He stated that you can feel alone – not lonely – after a busy day when there is no one to talk to at home. Being alone and single is one of today’s remaining taboos, he said. I must agree. It even prevents me from showing up at certain events. I have no urge to explain – let alone defend – my choices.
My (former?) friend says that she doesn’t have expectations about people in order not to be disappointed in life. In principle, I agree with her. In practice, it’s hard not having any expectations. Her emotions also tell (me) a different story than her words.
My expectations are my Achilles’ heel, as I generally trust a person’s (good) intentions. Having realised this, I have managed to adjust my expectations to low rather than having none at all. Nevertheless, I still get disappointed in people. Fortunately, my disappointments are usually as mild as my expectations.
Perhaps, the ultimate separation between friends and acquaintances is this saying in which I have skipped the common adjectives: Friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget. That leaves just a few (female) friends of which one has already passed away.
Carole King – You’ve Got a Friend (1971) – artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
When you’re down and troubled,
And you need some love and care,
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me,
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night.
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