I’m in a process that I never expected: changing my belief. Unfortunately, the change is about a person and not a concept. That makes the impact emotional rather than rational. These doubts I have made me sad. Part of me is arguing that I have wasted my time. It doesn’t help that others have said to me that I have made a mistake.
I do not commit easily but when I do it’s for the long-term. Admitting to myself that my choice was wrong is hard. There were only 2 people in my life about which I’m still not sure today. A third person may have entered that remarkably small number of people in my life. The last time I had this doubt, it took me many months to recover from my grief. I experienced all 5 stages of the Kübler-Ross model: Denial, Anger, Bargaining/Begging, Depression and Acceptance.
While writing the former paragraph, I notice a striking similarity between 2 episodes in my life. I think I’ve just realised which stage I may have entered. It’s difficult for me to stop caring about a person. Loyalty is my strength and my weakness. Giving up on someone is only easy if I hardly know that person. Once there’s a bond, it’s a long-lasting one.
The 5 stages of the Kübler-Ross model are not time-boxed. In some cases, these 5 stages may be very short and you may hardly recognise that you’ve already passed them. In such a case, it’s likely that the person wasn’t really that important in your life. When people were (very) important then you may not recognise the relevant Kübler-Ross stage because of the (very) long duration of some stages.
Now that I’ve finally approached the Acceptance stage, I recognise the earlier stages. A long period of Denial, which was sometimes accompanied by Anger. A short period of Begging, as begging is not really my thing. Depression or sadness found its way when I was feeling vulnerable. Perhaps Acceptance started in June when I was finally able to listen to the “truth” and no longer fighting it (i.e., denial).
Another observation is that these 5 Kübler-Ross stages may be sequential in straightforward cases but may be fluid in complicated cases, like mine. The fluidity relates to a temporary relapse to a previous Kübler-Ross stage. It might be something like testing the waters: Are you really ready for the next stage?
I think, feel and believe that changing your belief is like learning. You can learn new facts about a topic but you can also learn new facets of a person’s character (personality). Facts are either (angrily) denied or (reluctantly) acknowledged. Disappointment in new facets of a character relates to expectations about a personality. The higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment.
For several years, I’ve put this person on a pedestal. Initially, I assumed that I had lost my respect. I sincerely doubt that is true. Somewhere there are still good memories. I now realise that I’m just removing the pedestal that I had once given. I need to digest this as I’m not sure how this will affect me. Probably indifference just entered my life. I suppose Indifference is the flip side of Acceptance.
Ace – How Long (has this been going on) – 1974 – artists, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
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