This week, I had a conversation with an old friend and she casually mentioned that lately she has been wondering who she really is. To some people this question may sound a little absurd but it’s a question that is on the minds of many people, including myself. When we are asked to describe ourselves, the most common answer is a description of what role(s) we currently play in life (eg, employee, friend, lover, parent, student).
A role based description does not tell you much about anyone. To strangers, I might describe myself as a single man, 56, writer, father of 2 kids. Many people would now start making assumptions to fill the gaps in this description. Depending on your own personal history, your assumptions about me may either be positive or negative (ie, projection).
Actually, it’s not that easy to describe who you are rather than what you are in life. Some years ago, I got a suggestion to add this section to my resume. I ultimately managed to do this but it took me quite a while to give a balanced overview of who I am. I also noticed that my description contains a lot of “contradictions”, like loyal and independent, tough and fair, funny and serious. The complexity of our personality should not be underestimated.
My resume only contains the ingredients that are relevant for a job. I am not even sure that I am able to describe myself. Mid 2015, I started a blog – How I want to be remembered – and I had to stop after a few sentences as it was just too hard to finish. However, when Joan asked me to do the same for her, the words came straight out of my heart albeit with tears in my eyes. Her reply was short and clear: “Very beautiful. Super…..”
There is a scene in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone in which Harry is sitting in front of the Mirror of Erised. Professor Dumbledore warns Harry for the danger of this mirror as it only shows the “deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts”. I suppose this is also the reason why it is so difficult to take a look at ourselves. We only see what we want to see and we do not see what others see, like or dislike, love or hate in us.
There is a reason for the discrepancy between how we view ourselves and how others view us. It may take decades – or even forever – before we no longer fear to show ourselves to others. Often we prefer to wear a mask rather than showing our fragility, vulnerability and weaknesses. Pretending to be strong and tough without emotion has become default behaviour in many societies.
It makes perfect sense that we lose ourselves in that process. We only start looking for who we really are after decades of focusing on what we are, of make belief, of pretending, of wearing masks. Once we do start looking for who we really are, we may not like what we find. This process may reveal a serious gap between (self) assumptions and reality. Bridging this gap requires change and change is what we usually hate. We just want peace of mind.
Perhaps it’s indeed better to let others tell you who you are.
Logical Song (1979) by Roger Hodgson, former lead singer of Supertramp
Roger Hodgson, lyrics, video, Wiki-RH, Wiki-band, Wiki-song
[Chorus 1]
There are times when all the world’s asleep
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man
Won’t you please, please tell me what we’ve learned?
I know it sounds absurd
Please tell me who I am
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless in quotes or stated otherwise.
0 Comments