My adrenaline has faded away and exhaustion took its place following the disappearance drama since March 16. I still do not know where my “missing” friend resides and I still have not spoken to her. Yet her WA messages are more frequent now. Yesterday afternoon she did publish her first new blog since her departure and “disappearance”. That blog is in line with her recent messages to me.
She has expressed to me that she feels not worthy of me. She said that she would have liked to make me proud by getting a job and her own place. She said that life in The Netherlands is much more tough than she had imagined. She said that she is too proud to ask for help. She asks me to move on.
Unfortunately these current words are in line with her past behaviour and make me wonder if she did change after all. I suppose that my compassion for her may soon be replaced by negative feelings (eg, betrayal, disrespect, lack of trust). Her wish to stand on her own 2 feet may create a path of self-destruction. Despite her age (52), her actions feel quite immature. It is utterly overambitious to expect that your new life, especially in a highly organised country like Holland, will be flawless within a couple of days.
I recall a moment in the late 80s in which my former wife and I went to New York for our 1st visit. People say that you either love or hate this city. I immediately fell in love. My former wife got totally overwhelmed by emotions (eg, no birds, no trees, only concrete, only tall skyscrapers, too many cars, too many people, 24/7 noise). I decided to take her to Central Park and there she finally regained herself. It is possible that my “missing” friend had a similar experience in Amsterdam.
I think it is now safe to assume that I should indeed not worry about her, as she already asked in her 12 second WA voice message of March 20. I will inform the Dutch Police that she is no longer missing although I haven’t actually spoken to her since my Skype call of March 14. The most simple explanation is that she is avoiding me following her feelings of guilt and shame.
Since yesterday I have been asking myself: What did I learn from this episode in my life? Firstly, that simple solutions are the most likely ones. Life may usually look complicated to us but is it really when you (finally) take some distance from it? Secondly, that the assumption is indeed the mother of all mistakes (Eugene Lewis Fordsworthe). Thirdly, that my writing preference for non-fiction and my hesitance with fiction may be misplaced.
Nevertheless, my trust in women has once again been shattered. I am picking up the pieces now, as it is indeed time for me to move on. It will take a while for me to trust again. As we say in Dutch: “Trust comes on foot and leaves on horseback” (a quote attributed to Dutch politician Thorbecke).
Although this episode did cause embarrassment to some, and even humiliation to others, I do not regret my actions following her alleged disappearance. I care for people. My caring is fulltime and not parttime. If that bothers people then so be it. Non, je ne regrette rien.
Non, je ne regrette rien (1959) by Edith Piaf (1915-1963)
artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless in quotes or stated otherwise.
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