Monday evening I had a lighthearted discussion with my new best friend about checking your partner when in a relationship. She started this topic by saying that when you live in one house, you are more able to check upon each other. I told her that I never check anything as I fully trust my partner. The moment my trust gets dented then we are on a downhill trend towards the end.
During that conversation, I suddenly remembered a strange event in which a former partner once told me that I didn’t care for her as I never checked upon her. I was baffled by her attitude. To me this was turning the world upside down. Is there even a connection between checking your partner and caring for him/her?? Or is checking upon your partner an expression of feelings like suspicion or jealousy? Also see my 2015 blogs on jealousy dated 20 September and 23 September.
One of my reasons for not checking my partner is a very old and great statement by the French writer Francois de la Rochefoucauld (1613-1680): “In friendship as well as love, ignorance very often contributes more to our happiness than knowledge”. In practice this means that I don’t ask about her former partners and neither does she ask about mine. I don’t even know their names.
We do tell each other about how former partners have affected our current behaviour. Our emotional luggage includes the scars from previous relationships. The behaviour of a new partner may remind us of the behaviour of a former partner. That reminiscence may stir up fears. It’s important to contain such fears as early as possible before they get overwhelming. As Francois de la Rochefoucauld once said: “We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears”.
Being a qualified auditor myself, I have ample experience with checking. In general, there are two basic approaches to checking: a positive and a negative mindset. When applying a positive mindset, the intention is to verify and confirm that management’s assertions give a true and fair view. When applying a negative mindset, the intention is to find mistakes in order to prove that management’s assertions do not give a true and fair view.
In a relationship things are quite similar to auditing. However, these is one huge difference: there is no legal or third party (eg, bank) requirement to verify and confirm your partner’s assertions. Hence, only a negative mindset (eg, jealousy, suspicion) would be the reason for checking your partner’s assertions with the sole intention of finding mistakes in his/her alleged whereabouts.
Once you do find discrepancies between alleged and actual whereabouts then you are still in the dark about the reason for hiding the deviation. Sometimes you are just spoiling a surprise being organised by your partner. Bringing a suspicious mind into a relationship seldom ends well. Also see my 29 September 2015 blog on this issue.
Not checking upon your partner requires trust. Giving someone your trust is – at least in my opinion – a sign that you care a lot about that person. Even enough to give that person her/his freedom. Only a negative mindset would require your partner to issue a daily statement on her/his whereabouts.
“Believing in negative thoughts is the single greatest obstruction to success.” Charles F. Glassman
Suspicious Minds (1969) by Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
artist, lyrics, video, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
Why can’t you see, what you’re doin’ to me
When you don’t believe a word I say?
[Chorus]
We can’t go on together
With suspicious minds (with suspicious minds)
And we can’t build our dreams
On suspicious minds
So, if an old friend I know, stops by to say hello
Would I still see suspicion in your eyes?
Here we go again, asking where I’ve been
Note: all markings (bold, italic, underlining) by LO unless in quotes or stated otherwise.
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