Sta Hungry Stay Foolish

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

A blog by Leon Oudejans

Letting go

20 December 2015

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I am surprised by my current emotions. Somehow it does not make sense at all. In my view, she betrayed me. After asking her 5 times “Why???” she finally admitted that she wanted to hurt me. That revelation caused a quick mutually agreed-upon break-up. Within a week she started dating while she was still living with me. That hurt. So I started dating too. Out of revenge. Big mistake. Much too early with hindsight. Back then it had looked like a smart way of recovering.

Initially, I felt no grief over the break-up. Mostly anger. In my view, there was no reason for her to hurt me that bad and to betray me. Yes, I had fallen in love 1.5 years earlier while being alone on a 3 week vacation. I had never wanted to go alone on that vacation but she had insisted to go alone. She blamed me for falling in love. I have long denied being in love. My main argument was: How could I be in just three weeks? Ultimately, I had to admit that it must have been love as nothing else could explain my 18 month heartache after I noticed the (written) betrayal on me.

I think that her deepest resentment over what had happened was that I had fallen in love with another woman and not her. She felt betrayed by me. I think that reality finally sank in with her: he will never love me and I am wasting my time with him. My deep caring for her was suddenly no longer enough. The fact that I didn’t love her was no surprise to her. I had said that to her on the very first day that we had met. She was somehow convinced that she could make me love her.

My grief over the break-up came much later. Probably almost a year later when she was preparing to leave this country. Perhaps then reality finally sank in: I wouldn’t see her again. All my half hearted attempts to reconnect and to reconcile had failed by then. Bitter words were exchanged during a brief encounter in which we returned some goods that belonged to the other person.

For many months since the break-up, I have not been able to reach out to her as I wasn’t able to stay calm in her flood of anger and hostility. I didn’t really know how to approach her. My words became like a red cape in a bull fight. Everything provoked new anger. All I wanted was to retain the best friendship I had ever had. All I did/said was creating the exact opposite of what I was after.

The irony over the various betrayals in love has never escaped me: from me towards her, from “the other woman” towards me, and finally from her towards me. And probably the “other woman” is even far worse off than the two of us. What goes around comes around (Wiki).

I have wondered if my reluctance to let her go could have anything to do with a possible feeling of guilt towards her. I sincerely doubt that. My falling in love was totally random and was never ever planned – let alone intentional. It just happened to me for the very first time in my life. The prize was very high though: I lost my love after being betrayed by her, I had a subsequent 18 month heartache, and on top of that I was losing my best friend. So far I have been very reluctant to accept letting her go although I know very well that I am losing my best friend.

You and me 

We used to be together 

Everyday together always 

I really feel 

That I’m losing my best friend 

I can’t believe

This could be the end 

It looks as though you’re letting go 

And if it’s real 

Well I don’t want to know 

Don’t speak 

 Don’t tell me cause it hurts 

Don’t speak 

I know what you’re thinking 

I don’t need your reasons 

Don’t tell me cause it hurts

No Doubt – Don’t Speak (1996) – artists, lyrics, Wiki-1, Wiki-2

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