Perhaps it is because Christmas is approaching that I miss you. I hope you are better off without me and I know that I am better off without you. Nevertheless, I do sometimes wonder whether we tried hard enough to retain our special bond. I gave up on you after you pushed my most sensitive button. You must have known what that button would do to us. You accepted my giving up without any hesitation. With hindsight, I can only imagine that is what you were after.
When I play back our movie in my mind then I feel that we were never meant to be. Each year there was a lot of drama. Nearly each year, there was some kind of separation. Each time, we reconnected again though. I have mixed feelings about my last (written) words to you: I hope you never come back. To some extent, I still mean them and to some extent it was like a case of reverse psychology.
I wonder how you are doing. Did you find a job or are you studying again? Do you live with him now or do you live alone? Do you see your children more often now? Do they accept your choices? Silly questions from someone who still cares about your wellbeing despite everything that happened.
Replacing you will not be easy. Yes I did try and yes I did fail. So far. You know very well that I never give up. I just go on and on and on. Someday I will find someone like you but a positive one. To some extent, I was able to work on your dark side but never enough to make you change. I suspect that you did not want me to change you. You fought me in the end. We both lost.
Long before we broke up you said to me that you could never be like me. You saw me staying in touch with people that were still dear to me then. You said that you could never do that. Over is over. I have learned from you in that respect as I have also closed several chapters. I think I failed to see that the past should remain the past.
I am not sure why I make an exception for you: you may be out of sight but you are not out of my mind. Perhaps it is because you made me a better man than I was. Perhaps that is the reason why this Paolo Nutini song felt like a slap in my face when I recently played his album Caustic Love again.
It is still hard for me to recall the reflection in your eyes when we last looked in each other’s eyes.
She makes me smile
She thinks the way I think
That girl makes me wanna be better
And you’ll either love me or you hate me
‘Cause I can see you’ve got no time for the in-between
But the reflection in your eyes gonna look so much better
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