My previous blogs of December 17 and 18 have taken a toll on me. Writing them was necessary but it came at a prize. I am now stuck with a question on my mind: Why??? I was almost sending a WhatsApp message to her new number which I am not even supposed to know. Fortunately, I noticed a quote by Francois de la Rochefoucauld: “In friendship as well as love, ignorance very often contributes more to our happiness than knowledge”. I realised the futility of my question. Deep down I may even now the answer although it’s hard to face it.
Yesterday I have deleted several persons from my contact list. I have closed some more chapters in my life. I was never able to delete them before as they have long been important to me. Yesterday, I suddenly realised that indifference had already taken over some time ago. I had just been reluctant to accept that. Deleting them was actually easy. I wonder if I will be able to delete you too, one day.
Although I felt no regret or remorse from yesterday’s action today, I have had some difficult moments today. I may have gained a lot but I also lost a lot. And it is very difficult to compare priceless intangible assets to former high value tangible assets. And I do realise that the Old Year makes you reflect on the past and on your losses and that the New Year will bring new opportunities. Nevertheless, sometimes you just wonder: Was it all worth it??
For several reasons I feel fragile today and I am not particularly pleased with these overwhelming emotions. Before I would lie with my head on her lap, eyes closed, and she would stroke my hair with her fingers. On such moments, I do not even need to hear the words that all will be well. I miss these moments. I hope and expect that someone else will “soon” fulfil that role again. All is well that ends well (William Shakespeare).
I don’t like my current state of fragility. It makes me do foolish things and – almost – do silly acts. I know that I have not been at full capacity since my cold, flu, hay fever or whatever. But that’s not an excuse. I know that I have to let her go but I am fighting with myself over that. Moving away from caring to indifference will not be easy. In another case it took me some 30 months. She was once very special to me. Yet I finally managed.
Unfortunately, these Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (IMDb) seem to haunt me whenever I feel alone. Although I am alone 24/7, I seldom feel alone. Usually my own company is more than enough not to feel alone. It is actually quite remarkable that there is a difference in being and feeling alone. And I am not even talking about loneliness as I never feel lonely. I love my solitude.
My current state of fragility makes me realise again how much I miss having a best friend in real (non-virtual) life. Not necessarily 24/7. Although that is still an option as long as I can continue with my new passion: writing.
Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow
You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on
Bill Withers – Lean On Me (1972) – artist, lyrics, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
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