Christmas is a difficult period for me, in so many ways. Today is my father’s birthday. I miss him for 21 years now as he died at the young age of nearly 62. I can still recall that day in March that I got a call from my younger brother that my father had been taken to hospital in Alkmaar. Several days later, he was diagnosed with a brain cancer. He was transported to the Amsterdam VUMC hospital where they operated him successfully.
I still recall us talking outside in the sun about the usual petty things of life, not knowing that the brain cancer would soon return. He died in September after living like a vegetable for several months. The brain cancer had grown so much that many brain functions had shut down. I still remember the evening of 13 September 1994 in which we said farewell to him. I told him it was okay to go and to leave us. He must have still heard us talking to him as he passed away within an hour or so.
My father worked hard all of his life. It was very hard not to like him as he was a pleasant, funny and positive guy. He loved his friends and had loads of fun with them. They joined him several years later. At times, I envied his fun approach towards life. That envy was shallow though as I knew that we were different. It took me many years to realise that we had far more in common than I had ever assumed. My father was boyishly good looking, a sharp dressed man (ZZ Top video), a smooth talker (Sade video), popular with women, and skilled with his hands (hairdresser) and his feet (soccer).
As kids we were smothered with his love. At times, it even felt too much but I was a kid and I was wrong. With hindsight, it can never be enough. Although my brother and I never entered the family business, I cannot recall any disappointment. He was smart enough to realise that the family business would only limit our potential. I think he was proud of our achievements although I do not recall specific conversations on that topic. Sometimes words are not required to express emotions.
I have passed on his legacy by smothering my kids with my (his) love. They reacted the same way as my brother and I had done, so many years ago. Sometimes it’s indeed embarrassing to be smothered with parental love. He was my role model and I just copied his approach as I could still remember how good it had made me feel so many years ago: Gimme All Your Loving (ZZ Top video).
His early demise disturbed the family balance, in my view. Yet you only know what you miss, once it’s gone. Before that moment, it was just too hard to see for me. Although I am the oldest son, I have never ever wanted to take his place or role. I think my younger brother has stepped in. I couldn’t and still can’t. I had underestimated his importance. And to use the lyrics of Gino Vannelli: It took me so long to recover from the pain of having denied the love I once relied upon. And perhaps I am still in a process of recovering, even today.
Once in a life there comes a man like you
And you bear a son so much like yourself
It’s hard to believe that he’s a grown into man
But pop I understand
Once every night I thank my lucky stars
You’ve given me some guiding light
But there comes a time when a father and a son
Can no longer be one
It took me so long to recover
From the pain of having denied the love I once relied upon
It takes more than time to discover
That for both the young and old the truth is sometimes cold but right
This is my life and I’ve got to hold my own
Even if it means hurting us both
And the wrongs become right when we stop and wonder how
Look at us, we’re better friends now
Gino Vannelli – Father & Son (1975) – artist, lyrics, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
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