“We need to talk” is probably one of the most feared sentences either at work, at home, or in a sports team. At least, it is to men: see examples in UrbanDictionary. In nearly all cases, that simple sentence is the bearer of some serious bad news. Remarkably, these people then let you suffer for hours to consider the potential topics. Sometimes it even feels like a kind of mental torture.
Yesterday, I received her message in WhatsApp: “We need to talk”. I knew what was coming. I had anticipated it for several weeks. Nevertheless, this time I had been quite hopeful although I had been mitigating my expectations from getting too high. Worse, it’s not the first time she disappoints me. In fact, she has a habit of letting me down. Not intentionally though, as basically she’s a good person.
I asked her to tell me her decision first and then her arguments. For me, it’s easier to stay focused on the conversation that way. She stressed that her decision meant “not now”. I told her that I heard what she said. I then added that I had already deleted the “now” part in my mind. She is a master in procrastination which she also acknowledged to me.
Her arguments felt artificial to me except for one: she is scared. I can fully relate to that. The French writer Francois de la Rochefoucauld (1613-1680) once said: “We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears”. It’s a perfect way of explaining our decision-making process. He also said: “Hope and fear are inseparable. There is no hope without fear, nor any fear without hope”.
At some point during the WhatsApp call I had heard enough and asked her for a time-out to let her decision sink in and to think about its consequences. I suppose it’s – again – time for me to move on albeit reluctantly. During that time-out I’ve already received dozens of WhatsApp messages from her. Some of these messages suggest that her thinking – let alone her decision-making process – is far from finalised. I do not relate to that very well: A decision is a decision and not a starting point for a conversation. Hence, I am reluctant to re-open “negotiations”.
Perhaps this incident also outlines the vast differences in male / female communication. A 2011 psychology study by the University of Missouri (UoM) revealed that males believe that discussing problems is a waste of time. The UoM researchers found that girls had positive expectations for how talking about problems would make them feel, such as expecting to feel cared for, understood and less alone. Instead, boys reported that talking about problems would make them feel “weird” and like they were “wasting time.” (eg, UoM News, DailyMail).
When women use the words “We need to talk”, they want to discuss how they are feeling. Instead of hearing an opportunity, men hear these words as criticism. (DailyMail)
The reason talking doesn’t help is down to basic biological differences between men and women. Males know females choose them for their ability to protect and provide, so a man rates himself on how well he fulfils that role and how happy his partner is. When a woman suggests there’s a problem with the relationship, he feels he’s not providing well enough. It makes him feel ashamed, so he withdraws emotionally. (DailyMail)
Research has found that even the way males and females respond physically to emotional stress is different. Talking about feelings is soothing to women. But it makes men physically uncomfortable. Their bodies flood with the stress hormone cortisol. There’s more blood flow to muscles. They get edgy, so that women think they’re not listening. (DailyMail)
The research above makes total sense to me. Being a man I need a perspective, a solution and not an open-ended discussion. Especially not on emotional, sensitive matters. And to use Steve Harvey‘s advice to women: Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.
Talk Talk – Such A Shame (1984) – artists, lyrics, Wiki
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