Last Tuesday, Dutch public TV broadcasted a documentary on polyamory (NPO). On Thursday, a Dutch national newspaper published an interview with USA born philosopher Simone van Saarloos about her new book on polyamory, called “The monogamous drama” (Trouw). In both cases (TV + newspaper) this topic is largely female driven. The men feature as sidekicks, like Robin to Batman. Apparently, this topic is now mainstream rather than for the in-crowd.
Wikipedia: Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of intimate relationships that are not exclusive with respect to other sexual or intimate relationships, with knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy”, and may or may not include polysexuality (attraction towards multiple genders or sexes).
In the newspaper article, philosopher Simone van Saarloos shows little respect for the traditional institute of marriage and uses its failure rate of 33% as an argument against it. She wonders why the (eg, Dutch) State pushes people to marry by giving tax and legal benefits to married people when they have children. “Why should the State determine that a promise of eternal loyalty in love to one partner should get preferential treatment?” (Trouw)
In her view, marriage is the symbol of monogamous dogmatism. She wonders about the deeply rooted conviction that true love can ultimately only exist between two cohabiting persons with mutual exclusivity in their love and sexuality. Nowadays, these two persons can be of the same gender but that’s about it when it comes to choice on the menu. (Trouw)
The TV broadcast showed a heterosexual woman in her 60s with two cohabiting male partners in their 60s, as well as some other men on the side for pleasure as her sex drive is quite high, as she put it. The other women that featured in the broadcast were in their 20s and 30s and bisexual. Apparently, age or sexuality do not explain this phenomenon. So what does??
Since that TV episode, I have been doing some soul searching in order to assess whether I would also be interested in living with 2 or more female partners in 1 house on an ongoing basis. Well the short answer is NO as I would be incapable of dividing my “love” equally. There will always be someone who feels ignored or neglected. Hence, I’m afraid that it would become like a war zone. The two men in the TV broadcast considered themselves as brothers. I think it’s impossible for 2 – let alone more – women to share 1 man in 1 house without jealousy and/or fights. And I could hardly blame them.
Given my own answer, I am now quite curious how these people are able to maintain a successful multi partner relationship. I’m wondering whether it’s based on love – or lust. These two do not necessarily overlap each other in a relationship. I am also considering whether the female drive for equality and the simultaneous loss of respect (eg, marriage, men) are crucial elements in polyamory.
Frankly, I am skeptic about the true motives for polyamory. That skepticism is however not a reason for disapproval or disgust. Love and sexuality come in different shapes and forms. HuffingtonPost: “But it is much harder for people to think outside the fairy-tale notion of “the one” and imagine that it might be possible to actually romantically love more than one person simultaneously”.
The confusion of marriage with morality has done more to destroy the conscience of the human race than any other single error. Quote by George Bernard Shaw from Man and Superman (1903)
Isaac Hayes – Moonlight Lovin’ (Ménage à Trois) – 1977 – artist, lyrics, Wiki
New Order – Bizarre Love Triangle (1986) – artists, lyrics, Wiki-1, Wiki-2
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