I must admit something by now. In spite of my continued disbelief when it comes to male/female friendship I do have a person whom I consider a female friend and for considerable time. I have never seen her, never heard her voice, and do not have any appetite to go to a next level. In short, I do not have any romantic feelings for her. Notwithstanding the aforementioned, we talk each day and I genuinely appreciate those moments. How’s that even possible?
I still believe that Oscar Wilde was right about male/female friendship: “Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship”. I do not feel passion or enmity or love and so it should be worship what I am feeling. Nowadays, worship has mostly a religious connotation. I think that “admiration” would be a suitable replacement for the word worship, in this day and age.
Indeed I admire her determination, hope and optimism. I am not sure whether I would be able to be like her when I would be in her circumstances. She lives in pain each day. See my23 April 2015 blog which is about her. This morning she wrote to me: “I am so proud to be one of the friends you have decided to share your thoughts with. I can truly say I love you and not for a relationship, but our friendship is a different kind of love”.
I asked her how she would label her feelings. She said it’s platonic love. She admitted that she also admires me. She asked me how I would label my feelings towards her. I said it’s like having a “pen pal” as I don’t feel love for her and I don’t have a clue how platonic love looks like. I also prefer to avoid using such “big” words. She and I both know that it will never be anything more than just this.
Perhaps Oscar Wilde’s statement can be plotted like the diagram to the left which I just made myself. At least I could live with that basic simplicity. Obviously, I have replaced the term worship for admiration.
I noticed an article that revealed an academic study into the motives to remain platonic in a relationship. The study mentions six reasons for maintaining opposite-sex friendships as platonic: Not Attracted, Network Disapproval, Time Out, Safeguard Relationship, Third Party, and Risk Aversion.
Whatever the motivation, staying platonic often requires some maintenance strategies to keep sex at a safe distance. And even when people staunchly describe a relationship as “platonic”, the reality might be there’s sexual tension one or both parties are choosing (subconsciously or not) to ignore. (source)
In general, I still don’t believe in friendship between heterosexual men and women – let alone platonic love. In case there would be no sexual tension then friendship should be possible. However, sexual tension is usually just below the surface. Asking each other 36 personal questions and a 2-4 minute gaze in each other’s eyes is usually sufficient to light the fire (see my 27 October 2015 blog). Mutual admiration may be the only sustainable basis (and exception) for a genuine friendship between heterosexual men and women.
Andrew Gold (1951-2011) – Thank You For Being A Friend (1978) – artist, lyrics, Wiki
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