Some days ago a friend asked me: why do you use my first name instead of my nickname? She wondered about the reason. That question caught me by total surprise. I had to think for a moment. I am still not sure if I have given her a complete answer. My initial answers were that I do not like nicknames and also that her nickname (“Brownie”) reminds me too much of her skin colour. People are people and skin colour is one of many features.
I added that nicknames usually do not express respect although in some (e,g., criminal) environments nicknames may represent “titles” that were “earned”. Nevertheless, nicknames often represent physical features (e.g., the Nose) or character flaws (e.g., Scrooge). Nicknames are usually granted by other people rather than by ourselves. My friend uses her nickname in the online game that we both are playing while I am using a self-chosen alter ego for each of my game accounts.
I’m not sure why I don’t like nicknames. I asked my mother if I had a nickname at school or at home. She told me that people called me the Professor. I can’t remember and somehow even doubt it. Although I typically perceive nicknames as negative, there’s an interesting exception. In relationships, nicknames are used for flattering and playful purposes. Even I don’t mind in that case.
You may think that sincere communication is the way to handle a serious issue. But psychologist Dacher Keltner has found that couples who teased each other in the heat of a conflict felt more connected after the fact. When he staged a conflict discussion in his lab and compared couples who communicated in a direct, logical way with those who made light of the conflict, he found that couples who tease are happier and reach more peaceful resolutions. (PsychologyToday)
That’s because couples who can tease can use that modality to handle the tough stuff in a relationship. Even silly nicknames help turn conflicts into peaceful exchanges, Keltner says, by reminding couples to smile at each other’s quirks. So if you’re annoyed by a partner’s long-standing habit—say, stealing the covers in the middle of the night—try teasing. Calling your partner the Blanket Monster might take the edge off your irritation while reminding your partner to share. Remember to tease in a way that’s playful, not hostile; use nonverbal cues that convey you’re having fun, like a silly facial expression or a change in tone. (PsychologyToday)
I can remember these subtle differences very well: it made a huge difference when my first name – let alone my last name – was used rather than my nickname – “chéri“. Using my first name was usually bad news and meant that conflicts would take a while to resolve. Apart from this difference in addressing me, her (tone of) voice also became different, even direful (NL: onheilspellend).
Sometimes couples even use babytalk against each other. I witnessed that some decades ago and was almost appalled by that experience. A colleague then told me that it was normal for that couple. As soon as he arrived at work, he called her to say that he misses her so much while using baby talk. So, why do we do that? In part, because the biochemistry of romantic partnerships replicates our earliest experiences of love and being loved by our parents. In fact, the same key neurotransmitters are involved in both scenarios: dopamine, phenylethylamine and the bonding hormone oxytocin. (PT)
Nowadays, I like “Simba” as my nickname. Simba is kiSwahili for Lion and Lion is English for the Latin word Leo(n). Simba also reminds me of my beloved Kenya. It feels close, intimate and warm.
Ladysmith Black Mambazo & The Mint Juleps – The Lion Sleeps Tonight (1939)
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