During the past several days, I have been watching season 1 of the British crime drama Broadchurch on Netflix which has a 8.4 rating on IMDb. Basically, it is a classic ‘whodunnit‘ revolving around (family) secrets. This captivating crime drama shows how (family) secrets are tearing the village and its inhabitants apart. It’s a recommended watch as both the plot and the actors are excellent.
I have a mixed relationship with secrets: I like knowing them but I don’t like having them myself. I don’t mind keeping them and I also like sharing them when the added value of keeping them has gone. For the past couple of days, I have been wondering whether I (still) have secrets. I think and feel the answer is ‘no’ but are you ever really sure considering their hiding place in your mind?
After my initial research on this topic at my favourite site PsychologyToday, I realised why I do not like keeping secrets for too long. Secrets change your behaviour: you start avoiding people to whom the secrets relate as you are afraid that these people can “see” or “feel” that you are hiding something from them. Offloading – or sharing – secrets feels like a release or liberation. Keeping secrets feels like a prison: the bars are for your protection but your secret – and you – are now inside.
Although we encounter secrets in every area of life, they are perhaps most destructive when kept in the home. Families are support systems; our identity and ability to form close relationships with others depend upon the trust and communication we feel with loved ones. If family members keep secrets from each other – or from the outside world – the emotional fallout can last a lifetime. (PT)
PsychologyToday states that there are four main ways that family secrets shape and scar us:
- they can divide family members, permanently estranging them;
- they can discourage individuals from sharing information with anyone outside the family, inhibiting formation of intimate relationships;
- they can freeze development at crucial points in life, preventing the growth of self and identity;
- they can lead to painful miscommunication within a family, causing unnecessary guilt and doubt.
All families have some secrets from the outside world. [..] You also have a zone of privacy that demarcates inside from outside, building your family’s sense of identity. But if a dangerous secret – one concerning an individual in immediate physical or emotional jeopardy – is held within your house, the boundaries between family and the rest of the world become rigid and impenetrable. (PT)
Friends and relatives are not invited in, and family members’ forays out are limited. “Don’t tell anyone our business” becomes the family motto. Some families create inviolable rules to keep information hidden, making it impossible for members to ask for assistance or to use needed resources in the outside world. Even problems that do not touch on the secret may go unresolved if resolution requires outside help. (PsychologyToday)
Secrets are kept or opened for many complex motives, from self-serving abuses of power to altruistic protection of others. Understanding the best ways and situations in which to reveal a family secret can help you decide when and how to do so. A person who seeks to undo the damage caused by family secrets must accept that revealing a secret is not a betrayal but a necessity. One of the best ways to ease into revealing long-hidden information is to tell an objective listener. (PT)
Level 42 – Running In The Family (1987) – (artists, lyrics, Wiki)
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