This week the CEO of a Dutch insurer suddenly resigned within less than 2 months after joining that company. Rumour has it that the authoritarian Chinese management style conflicted with the Dutch consensus management style (FD). Allegedly, the new Chinese owners didn’t appreciate hearing his “no” to their requests or – more likely – demands.
Saying “no” in management positions is far harder than saying “sorry”. I have learned to avoid the “no” answer by asking for priorities, for deadlines, and even which other tasks to delay. Usually that helps in creating attention and awareness for your situation. Saying “no” is rather final and usually taken in a wrong and offensive way. You should be prepared to pack your stuff in such a case.
Yesterday evening I got a request from a friend to visit me today. I was already thinking about excuses when I suddenly realised how hard it is to just say “no” to someone you know. With strangers it’s rather easy to say “no”. Actually I almost enjoy saying “no” when I receive cold calls from telemarketing agencies. It almost feels like payback for all the times I wasn’t able to say “no”.
Saying “no” to your children is even harder. Many parents feel guilty for not being “perfect” parents – the ones that we only see in movies. That guilt may often come from not spending enough “quality” time with their kids. Children may not yet have a degree in psychology but they are very quick to leverage on their parents’ guilt feelings.
Saying “no” is drawing boundaries: to here and no further. Knowing someone’s boundaries may lead to mind games in which the flexibility of those boundaries is being tested. Children are experts in testing the boundaries of their parents. Overstepping the boundaries is testing their flexibility. Love and guilt are the two main leverages to reach their goal.
In my efforts to reconcile with my children (following the long and nasty divorce), I have let them overstep nearly all of my boundaries. It probably even earned me their disrespect. And they are right. Today I face the consequences of that failed approach. I now just mirror their approach to me: total silence meets total silence.
I may never get over this pain: having worked my ass off to provide them with nearly everything they wanted or desired, and then being dumped as a parent. Everyone claims that their “no” may just be temporary. I am far less convinced of that. Sometimes I fear my own response whenever they will reach out again. More likely is that I will not even be around by then. Probably somewhere abroad while being a full time father, pensionado and writer.
“No is a complete sentence and so often we forget that. When we don’t want to do something we can simply smile and say no. We don’t have to explain ourselves, we can just say “No”. Early on my journey I found developing the ability to say no expanded my ability to say yes and really mean it.
My early attempts at saying no were often far from graceful but with practice even my no came from a place of love. Love yourself enough to be able to say yes or no.” Susan Gregg
Rolling Stones – (Daddy You’re A) Fool To Cry (1976) – (lyrics, Wiki)
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