On 6 January 2013, I left her. The day before her birthday. I may never forget that day. I didn’t feel much during our goodbye. Probably as the 3rd week hadn’t been as great as the other two weeks. Today I’m still talking about her – and sometimes even with her. She’s the only woman whom I’ve ever loved. She’s also the same woman who caused a massive 12-18 month heartache. She’s also the same woman who has messed up my love life. I don’t trust women anymore since her betrayal. Even my respect for women seriously suffers from it as I only expect more liars and cheaters.
Her betrayal started a few days after my return when I noticed that I could read her messages. She forgot to log out. I had already felt something was wrong when she refused to share them with me, even after I had shared mine with her. We had fun together reading my messages. After reading hers, I was devastated. Was this the same woman I had been with? After months of denial, I finally acknowledged to others and myself that I had once loved her. I dropped my excuse that it had only been 3 weeks. I finally understand John le Carre‘s words: “Betrayal can only happen if you love”.
I have forgiven her betrayal and her lies. I cannot forget them however. I wish I could archive them to my memories and just remember the good times. I cannot. My brain, heart and mind are not in sync about her. My heart does not see her as a bad person – and may never. My brain is somehow still addicted to her. My mind is severely confused about her but has finally accepted the possibility (or reality) that she was a con artist.
How do you overcome betrayal? Betrayal by someone you love – or loved. I really thought that forgiveness was the hardest part. Well, it isn’t. And forgiving her already took considerable time. Perhaps I haven’t really forgiven myself for having been with her. Somehow I doubt that as the alternative would be that I would not have loved at all. Alfred Lord Tennyson once said: ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I think and feel that he was/is right.
The real problem is in closure. To stop thinking about why, what, when and how. Some time ago, a friend offered me the help of a local private investigator. His efforts resulted in even more questions. Until today she is still an enigma to me. I have no clue whether she is a skilled con artist – or not.
Worst of all is that I seem to be unable to move on as I can’t find closure. Her betrayal is still like an open wound in me. It’s like my heart is carrying a sign that says “CLOSED for REPAIR”. I must repair it before being able to move on.
Perhaps I could find closure in seeing her again. She has also suggested meeting her again. I’m afraid that I would be under her “spell” again, once I gaze into her big brown eyes. And seeing her again could easily reinstate my addiction to love. So far, 6000 kilometres is a safe distance.
Perhaps I could find closure in communicating with her. Unfortunately, she seems to be the 3rd person in my life who is in denial. Hence, effective communication with her is quite difficult. Whenever she feels pressure then she immediately uses reverse psychology and projection.
It’s very, very hard for me to accept that I’ve been betrayed by someone whom I trusted – with my heart. To some extent I do blame myself: why did I open my heart to her? I only feel betrayed as I loved her – betrayal can only happen if you love. I must find closure to move on. But how?
To be continued……….
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